ThisParticular Random

[ThisParticular Random @TPRSTL]

when two monocules love each other very much, they will mutually share sextrons in their valence orbitholes and become a polycule.

[Armand Domalewski @ArmandDoma]

a tipsy young Pete Buttigieg stumbles into an obscure room during a Harvard final club party. He sees a book about Canadian bread price regulation, but when he tries to pull it off the bookcase swings open to reveal a secret compartment.

a monkey paw lies on a pedestal inscribed with a message: "make a wish"

"one day, America will have a gay president"

the monkey paw curls

[soup🍓 @thrluv]

they should let me go inside everyone’s house just to see

[Renee DiResta @noUpside]

Tulsi claims she “exposed” something but she didn’t. Anyone who read the documents knows that — but there were 67 documents, so most people didn’t read them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did. Here’s how Tulsi lies.

[Jill Tucker @jilltucker]

If you ever doubt how magical this world is, one day you will decide to go to a World Cup watch party in Oakland that you found online to root for a country where you spent two years trying to coax English out of the mouths of Cape Verdean teenagers. 1/7

[Wu Tang is for the Children @WUTangKids]

Are they talking about Fight Club?

[via @atrophicbtrfly]

do you think french people say jaquing it

[Chelsea @ladyballsmcgee]

😻

[BuffaloRon @BuffaloRon]

us old folks remember this incident.. do you?

[reversecowgirl69 @botticellibimbo]

i feel like lady macbeth trying to get self tanner off my palms

[Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning]

I’ve never taken my socks off for sex, but I’d love to.

[Chelsea @ladyballsmcgee]

I might be an adult but that doesn't stop me from taking a few puffs off my string cheese like it's a cigar before I pull it apart to share with my dog

[Brandy Bryant 🏳️‍⚧️ @InkMasterbator]

"I don't care if you're trans, your work should speak for itself!"

Yes.

[baber @bakerbakerbaker]

there is a coors light that never goes out

[Tom Nichols @RadioFreeTom]

"I’m not sure how Dems win over a voter who’s motivated not by unemployment, or the the Iranian nuclear program, or the price of eggs—but is rather lashing out because they’re angry that their children rejected their political views." - JVL, right again

https://t.co/9bI6X1J6sQ

[Taylor Day @TABYTCHI]

@CollinRugg Didn’t have his crocs in Sport Mode

[baber @bakerbakerbaker]

friends with benefits and the benefit is we are friends

[Cameron Bradford @camerobradford]

[Trying to do a yo mamma joke but I’m too empathetic]

*tenderly grasping your hand*

Is your mother still struggling with her weight?