Twisted Wink

save me the crust

[Twisted Wink @twistedWink]

@liquid_nosh ❤️

[Semi @liquid_nosh]

Dating my best friend, well did until today. Sometimes they will just see you as friend and while it sucks at least still mutual respect…

[Philosophy Of Life @PhilOfLife_]

Do it alone. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it scared. Just do it.

[Lakota Man @LakotaMan1]

Do white people see other white people (right wing MAGA extremists) — an existential threat to our democracy?

[Michael Ochoa @MafiaKingfish]

Yes bitch, I said 3 dollars on pump 6.

[Sock Hollidre @sock_holliday]

fellas, if ur girl is:

-sweet
-soft
-smells nice
-sticky on your fingers
-pink or blue or green or yellow
-always at the circus

she is not ur girl. she is cotton candy

[tinydeathmachine @diemydarkling]

I would love you to an embarrassing extent

[Dave @pittdave13]

Thrown out of Bed Bath and Beyond for taping tinsel to my nipples and singing Santa Baby

[Big Daddy Jonesy 🇨🇦 @CartoonJonesy]

So if Mary was a virgin, did Jesus bust open that hymen on the way out?

[Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking]

Wife: where are all our steak knives?

me: they've either broken or the kids are hiding them to stab us to death with at night.

mother in law: omg stop that

[ficklenuts @ficklenuts]

Family members keep asking me what my holiday plans are as if my holiday plans have ever been anything other than avoiding family.

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

mood: let’s make out in a bookstore while we hide from the world.

[karen @klsmd12]

mostly we just miss that loving touch and affection

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

Santa sees your thirsty DMs. All you’re getting for Christmas is a six pack of Gatorade. ho ho ho, baby.

[Samuel Jacksoff @IamCockneySam]

Are people still catfishing? Anyone made the progression onto fishing for cats?

[Samuel Jacksoff @IamCockneySam]

*Me, haggling with a prostitute*
"How much for a couple of retweets?"

[.Mela. @mela_shea]

Your eyes say make love to me but your hat says Arby’s.

[.Mela. @mela_shea]

The candle on the table flickers, “hurry” I whisper, flashing him a look that says hurry. His hands fumble under the table, flitting about, looking for mine. Finally, contact. He dumps the bowl of salt and pepper packets into my purse. Success.

[.Mela. @mela_shea]

Sweet treats are made from bees
Look at that apiary
Flowers preferred
They make honey
Everybeedy’s constantly buzzing