🅃🄰🅂🄷-🄶🅁🄴🄴🄽

Stuff concerns me and other stuff doesn't really

[Mz Stoned @mzstoned]

No I don’t have allergies, I’m just high.

[Jennifer Slopez @JennSlowpez]

What level of trashiness is it if I make instant mashed potatoes for breakfast?
Because that’s what I’m doing.

[Stephanie Sparkles @SSparklesDaily]

I just got in an argument about Raisin Bran, in case anyone else is looking for a rumble.

[Brother Ben @SentenceReduced]

Trying to figure out how many multivitamins will offset 25 years of heavy drinking and smoking.

[fírє вurns @h2_eh]

I've developed a mild addiction to your psychosis.

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter must be so proud their son James Corden went into the family business

[StepMom Marie 🖤 @mariebabyyyyy_]

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

[❤️‍🔥Sardonic Tart❤️‍🔥 @SardonicTart]

No one at the office wants to hear about the yard work you did over the weekend.

[Sassparilla @Megatronic13]

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

[Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ @maryfairybobrry]

In other news, Karen’s cycle has synced up with Becky, Carol and Susan, resulting in a malevolent spirit in the form of a hurricane.

[Stacey @skittle624]

Please keep your sexy tweets to yourself until after 9am. It’s too early and they are making me dry heave.

[Stacey @skittle624]

When someone tells me they aren't a dog person, all I hear is blah, blah, blah, I'm a psychopath.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Never let someone ruin a good song for you.

[Darlin’ Darla @Darlainky]

drunks speak in verbal typos

[A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut]

Great White Shark: Shark Week.

Below-average White Shark: Shark Weak.

[Tony @tsm560]

Sorry I pissed you off it will happen again

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

My 4 year old neighbor asks a lot of fucking questions before 8am