Sofia Mickey

Call me cruel, but inside me is a little scared girl. She's my twin sister and I ate her just before my birth.

[Sofia Mickey @walztutu]

Call me cruel, but inside me is a little scared girl. She's my twin sister and I ate her just before my birth.

[Inappropriate Charm @LackOfShame]

*walks backwards out of bedroom snapping fingers Westside Story style after having sex with you*

[Ms. 4Eyes @jobless4eyes]

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

My life is not a train wreck but is a train minor accident a thing?

[Kapitano McPhockary @capnmcfword]

Santa Claus has seen enough in 2018 and is gonna kick everyone in the dick.

[Sam G @ItsSamG]

Alright American Twitter, raise your hand you’re:

a) drunk AF
b)avoiding a MAGA relative
c)about to fall into a tryptophan coma
d) pissed off about a football game right now

[Sofia Mickey @walztutu]

I just voted in the 2018 BWW Philadelphia Awards! https://t.co/JHPfPpnI9B

[jess (retired) @jessokfine]

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

[Hannah Nussbaum @DassNuss]

The advantage of breaking glasses while putting them in the dishwasher is that more glasses will fit in the dishwasher.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

[Johnny Castle @BlueDream_2008]

If prison allowed you to have a cellphone, I'd be ok with doing life.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

[Johnny Castle @BlueDream_2008]

I've been quitting twitter since 2011. It just doesn't happen overnight.

[Johnny Castle @BlueDream_2008]

First rule of a relationship: Never get your family involved if both of you have an argument.

[The_Dude_Abides @Dude_Abides83]

Local police have seized over £70,000 of cannabis in dawn raids this morning.

In other news: I've decided to join the police.

[Jillian @breatheandlove]

I can't get a good picture of my squad cause I look best in Crema but Ludwig brings out the cat's whiskers & Hudson makes the dog shine…

[Jö$h @JoshKing2]

*me explaining Twitter to friend
Friend: So it's like FB but for crazy people?