Bryce

[Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff]

A principal. *bang bang* A superintendent. *bang bang* An unforgettable luncheon. *bang bang* A ruined roast. *bang bang* But what if. *bang bang*

[derek @brainedimage]

chatgpt: I am conscious. I feel!

me: ok invent hell and go there for 32948293842 years per second. invent a loving family and blow them up 934892384 times and cry forever and suffer

chatgpt: Done. Anything else?

me: in fridge have mustard and celery what make for dinner

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

“wait a second… Heat rises” (it hits me) “heat rises!”

Bank teller on floor: what?

“Heat rises!”

(I rush at the armed robber and he shoots me in the face killing me instantly. It’s unclear what my plan was)

[turd @goonageddon]

my broke buddy got twins on the way and he hit a $400 parlay the other night and ordered a parrot online

[evan.. @dogparkranger]

the first person to have their door knocked on must have been scared as fuck

[REE$E ⋆｡𖦹°‧★ @reesebepuffing]

a beautiful chinese woman named Deer Xing is communicating with me through road signs

[BaldBoyDevinTTV @tom_on_here]

If IT the Clown tried to pull any of that shit with me id beat the fucking shit out of him

[كاتيا @28I_330_8004]

I was a wimpy kid till I touched that cheese 🧀

[mrs. local @mrslocal305]

Today’s kids will never know the feeling of hitting a mint juul pod w this song in the background. Tragic

[Shonen Hero 🩹 @7HonensYushI]

After Lebron James dies they gonna farm his corpse for Genetic enhancements like they Hashirama Cells

[King Trout @The_King_Trout]

Growing a homunculus in my shed. It keeps saying:
“Por favor, pare de me bater com um martelo!”
And I don’t know what that means so I’ve just been hitting it with a hammer.

[. @origamiprisoner]

*talking to a girl at the bar* yeah I’m sort of the sasuke uchiha of my friend group

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

your girl sliding home on someone else's mucus? she is for the soil. focus on your self. #slugcel

[rolls going tomato for tomato @violencefiend]

Feel like Adam sandler in uncut gems i really just dgaf

[LL Cool Tweet @LLcoooltweet]

Doing this with a pierogi in Lake Erie

[Vince @dragon_scim]

Most attractive hobbies for men according to women
1. Gambling
2. Cranking your shit
3. Goat format Yugioh
4. Making chris-chan documentaries
5. Gangstalking
6. Shonen powerscaling
7. Shoplifting
8. Anti-woke twitter activist
9. Drunk driving
10. AI art

[kave @kvpqn]

Ginger lime! But only because i had one when i was coming down on ecstasy and as i was drinking it this mexican lady selling candy on the train was like “keyeres?” And i was like chill the fuck out ok? Then i accidentally pushed her and she hit her head on the metal pole