dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock

i heard you were stealing my thoughts during the hour of prayer, bro.

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

u know ur about to learn some excel black magic when the new guy uses the word “ask” as a noun

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

all you gotta know about butts is there are two parts. first you got the cheeks, them’s the big round puppies on the sides. but then… *face turns dark* …then, my boy, you got the crack…

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

casual sex?
*i tighten my bowtie*
lady there’s nothing “casual” about this

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

if i ever got swatted i would simply comply with the officer’s lawful orders and everything would be fine

[bloodthorn @xLord_of_war]

father thinks i’m unfit to reign lol

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

dan orlovsky is a little geek

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

don’t worry this is gonna hurt worse than it tastes

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

if you clap when the plane lands you’re a LOSER end of story

[Druthers Haver @6thgrade4ever]

Kevin Durant 2011 tweet:
Some these Money Python skits... LMAO! 🙋

Kevin Durant 2024 tweet:
[replying to an 85 follower account that tweeted "Dur*nt's jumper looks flat"] Package in the mail for u big guy 📦⏰💣

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

buck naked and buck wild

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

me sitting down in the confessional booth: father, i must confess…. i have cooked another mc….

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

the meth subreddit is, perhaps unsurprisingly, full of bars like this

[dwayne ‘the johnson’ rock @wizardcrime]

what’s it called when two guys eskimo kiss the same girl

[Dylan @PowellAnalytics]

If there were a “Sports Twitter” Hall of Fame, honoring the best sports-related tweets of all time, what would be your nominee?

[regular sized ackman @pleas4nt]

Grandpa was a cruel man. Not physically, nothing so grand as that. Constant little things. When he got sick, I didnt visit him once. It was a relief when he went. I've never told anyone this before.

Alex Trebek: Good stuff. Jamie from Bakersfield, you're a big Mickey Mouse fan?

[carl 🥦 @NightlifeMingus]

(rubbing temples as i brood over a sprawling heap of scrolls) tell me… my people, do they still say I am the GOAT?

my vizier: (rueful—and yet, is that the shadow of a smile which plays across his lips?) they say, my lord… that you are washed, I fear