ash

snoozing and losing.

[ash @worstpetunia]

i would describe my interior design preferences as Knick Knack Modern

[ash @worstpetunia]

my toddler is currently mixing his frozen banana “ice cream” with thousand island dressing, in case you needed a reason to gag today

[ash @worstpetunia]

what is it like to not compulsively apply lip balm? do you just rub your dry lips together and think “yeah that’s fine”?????

[ash @worstpetunia]

@fantompiper makes sense!! thanks for the insight

[ash @worstpetunia]

dog people! does it freak your dog out when a random toddler points at them and just goes “woof woof woof woof! doggy!! woof!!!!” bc this is my toddler’s reaction to every single dog we ever see

[ash @worstpetunia]

moved down the road from some very active train tracks, which is mostly cool, the toddler loves trains. except now when a train honks in the night, he sits bolt upright & says TRAIN?! & then i have to soothe him back to sleep while he listens to the mile long trAIN? TRAIN!! go by

[ash @worstpetunia]

why did no one warn me that one day my baby would be able to wrap his big tiny hand around my wrist and it would break my heart that he was suddenly so big but also still so little

[ash @worstpetunia]

my 1 year old grabbed the peanut butter lid while i was making him some toast & it disappeared. i spent like 5 mins looking all over the house for it before finally giving up & putting plastic wrap on the jar, but when i turned around he was holding the lid again

[ash @worstpetunia]

i swear toddlers have access to an alternate dimension

[ash @worstpetunia]

it’s been nearly 15 months since we brought the Human baby home and my cat is still pissed that he is no longer The Baby

[ash @worstpetunia]

is it weird to call my partner’s family my in laws? we’ve been together 7 years and have a kid, are engaged but in no rush to actually get married. generally just feels like the quickest way to describe them in causal conversation.

[ash @worstpetunia]

taught my 1 year old to say “hi kitty” to our cats, but he doesn’t really know what it means apparently because he said “hi kitty!!” to several toddlers at the park yesterday, and i got a lot of weird looks from their parents

[ash @worstpetunia]

the sleep deprivation that comes with having a sick toddler is like having a newborn all over again

[ash @worstpetunia]

@aGlitterTree i had slept maybe 8 hours in 5 days, & been given a high dose of magnesium, so i was not functioning particularly well when we finally brought him home, but i will never forget my cat approaching to sniff the baby & me thinking he looked SCARY despite him being afraid of the baby

[ash @worstpetunia]

has anyone else brought their newborn home & suddenly felt like their sweet little cat suddenly looked like a terrifying feral predator? my cats loved my belly & are very sweet & tolerant of my kid, but in those first few weeks i looked at them like they were going to eat my baby

[ash @worstpetunia]

need someone to explain to me how it’s medically possible for my kid to produce like a gallon of drool every day. i am drowning in spit.

[ash @worstpetunia]

okay my dad also has never shaved his mustache and it just blows my mind that he hasn’t seen his upper lip in 45 years. the commitment to the mustache is crazy

[Delete MY Account @HamHock42]

We are telling dad stories tonight

I swear to god the following two stories about my step dad are true:

1- I asked him once when was the last time he shaved his mustache was because I’ve known him since 1996 and he said “never, started growing it at 14 and only trimmed since”

[ash @worstpetunia]

my 1 y/o recently learned the phrase “all done” and it’s SO cute. but picture a baby strapped to my chest in the grocery store just yelling “all done all done all done” for 10 minutes straight because HE is done grocery shopping as soon as the yogurt melties are in the cart

[ash @worstpetunia]

a highlight of my life: my baby’s hands are big enough to interlace his fingers with mine

[ash @worstpetunia]

is it possible to convince a tired toddler that they are tired? no, it is not.

[ash @worstpetunia]

mm yes i love when my child falls asleep right as we pull onto our street, naps for exactly 30 seconds between then and pulling into our driveway, and then decides actually that’s enough napping for the whole day