Alyssa Reitz

It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand.

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

Anyone: Hi

My brain:
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it

Me: wanna see a picture of my dog?

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

6 years later, I can confirm boys do NOT have a prerogative to have a little fun

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

Do boys not have a prerogative to have a little fun? @ShaniaTwain

[Real History @History_For_You]

A woman in Ireland became pregnant simply by "willing her body to do so."

[angel @angelmendoza___]

your honor my client needs to take his bereal

[Page Six @PageSix]

Royal fans convinced Meghan Markle snuck into coronation in disguise https://t.co/hAbtCKnkQN

[WeRateDogs @dog_rates]

Here are the Top 5 Dogs of the week!

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

the internet bullied him so bad he had to slip his fingers in the coat pocket for the portrait lmao

[Tatler @Tatlermagazine]

The first portrait of King Charles III since the start of his reign has been unveiled https://t.co/Jznny65Ba7

[Alan F Giles @alanfgiles]

2 cities down, 10,000 to go. all according to plan

[Barry Butler Photography @barrybutler9]

Bean-utiful #chicago #autumn #fallcolors

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

@fuckedupfoods No

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

Just wait for it 🌽🌽🌽

[Danny Deraney @DannyDeraney]

I am deceased

[WeRateDogs @dog_rates]

This is Tito. He just descended from the heavens. They took his wings so no one will suspect a thing. 14/10

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

I’m sorry but that play simply would never be allowed in high school

[Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti]

Wow.

[Denis B. Huppert 🇫🇷 @dennisbhooper]

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

@shesoradlein SO glad someone else feels this way

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

@shesoradlein Or “fantasy football”

[Alyssa Reitz @AlyssaReitz]

@gracee2t @shesoradlein Pork chopped is certainly less embarrassing than that