Bizarro Mark

I'm inappropriate for most occasions.

[Freckled Warrior @WarriorFreckled]

All you guys seem to talk a lot about eating pussy for people who sit there staring at your phone all day.

[ugh* @heatherlou_]

Being psychotic is exhausting.

[Freckled Warrior @WarriorFreckled]

What do I like to do for fun? Drink beer and piss in parking lots for starters.

[∀LLEY C∀T @deardilettante]

The best revenge is to show someone you're better than them, so my question is, what's the next best way?

[Ryan v2.0 @Mr57percent]

My only goal in life is to be successful enough to make fun of people doing worse than me.

[Housewife of Hell @HousewifeOfHell]

The best way to get motivated to do something is to panic about it.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Wine? No thank you. I have a penis and I'd like to keep it that way.

[kauaibride @Kauaibride]

keep going. your just around the corner is gonna be fabulous.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Sometimes I like to sit and think about imaginary things like unicorns, Bigfoot and white privilege.

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

Guys, when you're mad however long it takes you to get over it, multiply by ten, subtract logic, add crazy & that's how long it takes women.

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

Things I like about Halloween:

Having an excuse to dress like a whore

Candy

Things I don't like about Halloween:

Everything else

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

So next week 5's school has a dress up theme each day. There are 2 types of moms:

1. The ones who meticulously plan perfect outfits

2. Me

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

In my defense, your honor, she picked all the toppings off the pizza and ate them.

-my murderer entering his not guilty plea

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

Do people who take sleeping pills know about drinking a bottle of wine?

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

My phone automatically recognizes the word whorebag. Guess which one of you I call whorebag.

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

*Saturday*

Let's see, I need to get my oil changed today and go grocery shopping and run by Home Depot and oh my god I'm boring as fuck!

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

Mama, I need to poop.

-Reason number 1,473,961 why you should never go to Walmart even if you just need laundry detergent.

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

7 minutes in heaven? Oh, you mean the length of time it takes me to eat a dozen cupcakes?

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

My mom gave me an Ogilvie home perm in 1988, so yeah, I know how to hold a grudge.