JuneBug

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Sorry I can't add you to my DM room but you didn't sign your noncompete agreement.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

Hopefully one day I can get picked to be on one of those lists the same 50 people get picked for every single week.

[elizabeth @Elizasoul80]

UGH, FOILED BY CHRISTIAN ROCK AGAIN

[JuneBug @jenyb4]

The neighborhood pool is where giving a fuck about how you look in a swimsuit goes to die.

[Ash (an female) ⚪️ @adult_mom]

My house is like an I Spy book, but with food that my kids have hidden in obscure places.

[Wendy S. @maughammom]

"Let's drink craft beer and do origami on a Monday night!" she said, continuing to be the 100% super-cool person she always wanted to be.

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

Anytime any of my technology wants to update I'm like OH BOY A CHANCE TO BETTER MY LIFE THIS IS THE TURNING POINT

[jordan @jordan_stratton]

I want my body donated to science after I die. More specifically, donated to whichever scientist is trying to bring dead bodies back to life

[B-Ryan @partlyfunny]

I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids. It was rough I didn't get a phone til 5th grade. The wifi didn't always work up stairs.

[B-Ryan @partlyfunny]

80% of married people conversation are discussion about what to order for dinner. 20% blaming the other for the way the kids turn out.

[AJ Stevens (Minion) @miffedmim]

Just started the Mommy Diet. I can only eat the uneaten food off my kids' plates or stuff that I find on the floor. So far I've gained 5 lbs

[AJ Stevens (Minion) @miffedmim]

H: Wanna have sex?
*fake sleeps*
H: I can see you typing. Are you tweeting thi-

[AJ Stevens (Minion) @miffedmim]

7 & 9 just in ran up to me crying that 38 was hogging all the red Legos.

[.... @GiveMe_TheCrown]

When you get hit on by some creep but you're high so you have to power walk away in slow motion.

[.... @GiveMe_TheCrown]

I'm fluent in "who invited her?"

[.... @GiveMe_TheCrown]

This cigarette tastes like I lit the filter, again......