Bull Murray

Nobody will ever believe you

[Bull Murray @BullsMurray]

How do dragons even blow out their birthday candles?

[brent @murrman5]

[wife as soon as I get home] can you put lotion on my feet?
[me getting home from my job where I apply the goop on babies during birthing scenes for movies] I just wanna relax michelle

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

[wint @dril]

pplease stop asking me to retweet shit for money, if you have to pay me to retweet your shit its probably so bad it sucks shit

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

[having to poop but also late for work] ugh I don’t have time for this shit

[Sassparilla @Megatronic13]

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

[Dave @pittdave13]

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

sorry im late, i sat down in the shower again

[Sock Holliday @sock_holliday]

Of all the vices I've battled over the years, having hopes and dreams caused the most damage

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

At what speed does a long, elegant stride become comical to others? One can’t correct this without data.

[Ashley △⃒⃘ @ashmensch]

mom can you come pick me up everyone at this gym is more physically fit than I am

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

Super glad Colleen spent $6600 on the anti theft alarm so no one can steal Dunston Checks In.

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed

Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?

[ficklenuts @ficklenuts]

Some dude with a waist circumference about three times the size of mine felt obligated to comment on the amount of sugar I put in my coffee.

It was my first cup of the day, and he’s lucky I didn’t shove the stir stick up his nose.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

A sacrificial lamb has to end up dead. If it doesn’t, you don’t have a sacrificial lamb. I don’t know what you have, tbh.

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

date: [pulls away from kissing] let's move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you're not gonna believe this

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

RT if you saw a summer blockbuster this year and give us legal permission to physically punish your children if they misbehave.

[Mave @MavenofHonor]

All I really need to know I learned in my apprenticeship at the gift shop adjacent to the shipwreck treasure museum

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

The card lamination machine is to be used by employees and friends of employees only.