Abbie wants to know

Sapiosexual. Waiting for my happy ending.

[Abbie wants to know @Cl0uddancer]

I wish all my problems were as little as my boobs.

[attachedntoxic @attachedntoxic]

If we hangout, you better touch me more than that phone

[Dean @dakarrier]

Started a band called "Duvet". We only play covers

[Brooklin Nash @realBrookNash]

“per my last email” = fuck you

“apologies for the delay” = fuck me

“cc’ing for visibility” = you’re fucked

“checking in in this” = i’m fucked

“let’s revisit in Q4” = fuck this

“i’m not sure that’s aligned” = fuck that

“respectfully yours” = fuck all y’all

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

Me: I'm worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They're a yellow cartoon family

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

announcing “not friendly, not friendly” the next time a stranger approaches me to talk

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

[mariana Z @mariana057]

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

[tori @dietcokestan]

we just don’t appreciate him enough… was having mental breakdowns on the daily and just wanted to love his wife and country line dance in peace but was simply too good at murder and espionage

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

My wife watching me load the dishwasher.

[Ivsy @Ivsy01]

I think it’s safe to say we all now understand that scene in Forrest Gump where he runs out the door and just keeps going.

[VeryBritishProblems @SoVeryBritish]

Saturday, rain, tea, biscuits, sofa.

Full schedule today.

[i c r e a t u r e @IAmYardDad]

My wife looking at me.

Me wondering if it’s because she loves me or if she wants to fight.

[i c r e a t u r e @IAmYardDad]

HR: Please stand up and tell us something interesting about yourself.

Me: I’m Batman.

[Joseph Mullins @josephmullins]

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: "Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room." So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

[Jono @whoinvitedjon]

A guy at work said he'd rather be here because he's bored at home anyway and the bored at home part sounded really nice to me

[Renée Meredith @wumother]

Karen™️ is officially retired. We’re in Becca&Spencer era now

[AskAubry 🦋 🐆🦝 @ask_aubry]

What being nice gets you... 😒