Pseudo Cyd

In search of logic, wit and amusement wherever it can be found... In other words, just killing time.

[Pseudo Cyd @Cyd10e]

Beware of the trailblazers who carry their own matches and accelerant.

[Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey @MonkeysMarch]

Everyday, the entire male population of the world utter these same word . . . "I’m sorry, I guess I was wrong, dear."

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Me: please give me 6 hours of sleep

Body: best I can do is 2 with constant interruptions

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

It’s pronounced adulthood, the “you will talk about the weather every day for the rest of your life” is silent.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at walmart* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Me: I haven’t been able to finish a sentence or a thought in 7 years.

My oldest: Hey, I’m 7!

Me: Imagine that…

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Last night my husband rolled over in his sleep and I heard him mumble ‘she ate all the cheese.’ You guysss he dreams about me.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My toddler woke up from his nap and burst into tears, when I asked what was wrong he sobbed ‘I JUST LOVE TO SLEEP SO MUCH’ and I’ve never related to anything more.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Me: *raps hand on counter* hit me.

My husband: *slides me another Reese’s.*

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

‘I plead the fifth’ but it just me leaving every conversation I don’t want to be a part of

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Cashews are my favorite because they’re salty and hunched over just like me

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Lawnmowers should explode if they’re started before 10am.

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the office translator for 80s movie references no one else gets.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Not to brag but I’m fairly certain that I’m the anchor being of my universe.

[Darla @ddsmidt]

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

[KoKeni Snap'sSquatch @KoKeniSaskqatch]

Subway employee: six inch or footlong?

Me: I'm holding out for a hero.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Anyone know how many calories you burn while arguing with your kids about cleaning their rooms?

Like, 10,000? I think it’s 10,000.

[𝓜𝓮𝓱𝓻𝓲💫 @meh_thinks]

It goes a long way with me when people actually walk their talk.

[𝓜𝓮𝓱𝓻𝓲💫 @meh_thinks]

Learn to let go of what does not ask to be held.

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

I just told my daughter, “It’s 11:11 make a wish!” To which she replied, “My wish is that you go to the eye doctor because it’s 11:17.”