Matty Fuckin Smokes

[P.Shooter @AllCopsMustDie]

Hate when some fucker says "your break light is out" yeah and my dick is small and I can't wrap blunts either. Dumbass.

[Elisa! (bug) @elisun_]

Millennial midlife crisis be like

Maybe I should start an ironman on old school runescape

[redrum @griffisu]

in hindsight bleeding once a month is such a light consequence for the evil women are capable of

[🌺caulksIeeve 🌺 @tenthousund]

9 out of ten dentists think u talk like a fag and ur shit's all retarded

[yev @itisyev]

Cavemen after they invented the spear:

[dan @Dansplainer]

when i die i want my bones buried for a measly amount of prayer xp

[BENZO-KAZOOIE @BENZOTOOIE]

Sitting in HR, my Twitter account on the monitor, being asked to explain “By the nine I got salmonella from Argonian pussy”

[chuddington @derpyez]

haha u guys crack me up. i'll ensure your deaths are painless

[HaskHole 🇨🇦 @HaskHole]

If you go into a sperm bank with 2 broken hands they legally have to jerk you off. It's your 6th amendment right.

[Ronald W. Raygun CFP, CFA, CPA, MBA, JD, MD @ronaldreagan654]

Remembering the time I smoked a cig with my professor in NYC and he told me he could bust hands free from eating box

[Tilly! @floppystop]

Tf y'all know about Skippyjon Jones

[John Beef Wellingoon 🔺🇮🇹 @jbeefwellingon]

It seems my ex wife has child custodymogged me due to my
neglectmaxxing

[TexasRaptor @ MP @Texas_Raptor]

Jacked off into a menthol dude wipe and my ropes started crackling like a fish fry

[Headshok1962 @Headshok1962]

Funny ways to say you gotta poop

"That fart is pulling a trailer"
"I got an 8 inch grip on a 9 inch turd"
"I think I'm running out of farts"
While sitting on the toilet, just yell out, "I'm crowning"
"Unburdening myself from what has been"
"I am dilated to a 10"
"Dammit, lunch is pushing out breakfast"
"Gonna make some stink pickles"
"Hey, @Diane94338153 I am gonna go cook up some stenchiladas"
"I'm bingo stamping my shorts, bro"
"Download a brownload"
"I am uneating"
"I have a task I cannot delegate'
"My fart fell out"
"My food lease is up"
"I am currently negotiating the release of a chocolate hostage"
"My next fart has a companion"
"I have to go sit down somewhere else"

[annika h @Annika_H_]

fear not friend, egg roll is included in the price of the meal

[nova @_meowmix_x]

been feeling like this a lot