Forrest

[ben @laflamablanca49]

Meeting my girlfriends coworkers and telling them I graduate high school next year when they ask what I do for work

[Forrest @ForrestEdson]

@geminifpl @FulhamIndy Look, I like Garcia, but I think you can admit his first touch the last few matches has been pretty poor. Couple that with some less than ideal positioning on crosses into the box and I don’t know that we can justify starting him over Muniz much longer

[David Goldblatt @davidtgoldblatt]

It's crazy that there's a tool out there that's become vital to they way I do my job, parent my kids, and make major life decisions; and yet we barely spend more on it than AI

[Forrest @ForrestEdson]

@marccolcer Nidoking is under five foot. Gyrados doesn’t even have hands. Jolteon is clearly built for the slot. This reeks of zero ball knowledge.

[Maggie Rogers @maggieerogers]

I used to be jealous of Dua Lipa until I learned she had her first hot dog ever last night. Now I know I am richer than her in ways she can’t even imagine.

[Tupuha @tvpuha]

> named "man city"
> cheats

#womantwitter #YaHearThatLadies

[Luke Bradley @lucasdrayton]

when you just want to be able to sell alcohol at your lesbian bar

[Ruff Criminal @RuffCrim]

Two stage solution

[Michelle L. Price @michellelprice]

The most alluring spam text yet

[j.b. exte @jbexte]

sometimes i worry that i only drink mexican beers to impress mexicans. then i take a sip of mexican beer and realize that the only mexican im trying to impress is the mexican deep inside myself. the inner mexican that all white boys have. gracias for reading

[first-hand eschatologist @BizzlePep]

Rutgers football

[🍎 @magicinmypocket]

Pad See Ew mogs Pad Thai but they don’t want you to know that

[Kayla @luv2read13]

in the dived bar. straight up “drinking it” and by “it”, haha, well. let’s justr say. BEER

[jake @wormpuller]

[At the Chinese spot after I get paid] What’s the rank above general

[Joseph Rockstar @lilbirkenstocks]

Chinese Bill Clinton be like: I did not have sexual relations with that Chinese woman.

[HLTCO @HLTCO]

Despicable until the last moment. Absolute fraud.

[riley from hivemind @RileyJohnSavage]

the fat guy from superbad just annihilated me jiu jitsu style

[Bobby Wagner @bwags]

you can charge $20 for a sandwich now, even if it’s not that good. you didn’t used to be able to charge $20 for a sandwich — especially if it wasn’t that good — but you can now