WaspsWaspsWasps

I like birds best when they're on my hat, i like my whiskey brown and my pizza hot. Stubbed my toe six years ago, still walking gingerly around corners.

[𝚋𝚊𝚡𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚗 @thebaxterbean]

GOP Budget = +$613B For Defense, Cuts To Education, Infrastructure & Research #HappyMothersDay http://t.co/5tBc05DddI

[Ngaio Bealum @ngaio420]

Come see me in Idaho Falls and Billings, Montana this weekend! #comedyroaddawg

[Robin Hood Tax @RobinHoodTax]

Study Shows Fast food Industry Could Survive $15 Minimum Wage http://t.co/uyHVRLqVzS http://t.co/ClyFYQvc1r

[Gus The Fox @GusTheFox]

How to act like a bell end this summer - http://t.co/qsZJGmckWh

[Joe West @joejwest]

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop's mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

[WaspsWaspsWasps @Fox_Herman]

“@MKupperman: Murder makes my head hurt” @Noslo3

[Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) @ojedge]

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

"Here comes the plane"
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

[WaspsWaspsWasps @Fox_Herman]

“@oldschoolads: 1979 - A&M Records & Styx Contest. http://t.co/iQ372R828I”@Noslo3

[Ngaio Bealum @ngaio420]

The Nose will never dance.

[t.j. miller @nottjmiller]

Professionalism. https://t.co/p8CyaV4S88

[Vault 69 Boy @aka_fatman]

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

[Hoppers @FrogAvalanche]

*sees GF on phone while were doing sex*
Me: What u doing?!
GF: Candy Crush. Level 413 is rly hard.
Me: [pausing The Muppet Movie] Show me.

[Schlimp @schlimp]

[Babysitting]
"No, no - don't drink the bleach sweetie. It'll kill you."
"Oh, thanks. You're really smart for a 4 year old."

[Knipples @StevieKnip]

What if Hell is actually just an eternity of making small talk while getting a haircut.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

Just used my Tüber app to order some potaFUUUUUUCK this Tweet sucks I should go to sleep.