Calamity Jan

No pants allowed past this point.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I'm no hero. I mouth vacuum cheese off the back of the grater like everyone else.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

#bartender #lifeofabartender #serviceindustry

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Me: Would you like to see a drink menu?
Customer: No, thanks. I'm just drinking.
Me: 😑
# bartender #lifeofabartender #serviceindustry

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Me to grocery store clerk, "Don't judge me for buying a HANDLE of vodka! I'm trying to feed a family here!"

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Will someone tell me how to say "Get the fuck out of my way" in Spanish? #bartender #bartenderlife #lifeofabartender

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

@drayzze "You're going to need to keep it fueled up." *Hands bottle of Tito's*

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

People in LA don't know what "a little hole in the wall" means. They think it's some chain restaurant with a neon sign and lines out the door. Oh but they serve eggs at 2am. So "hole in the wall?"

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Women burned their bras in the 70s because the straps kept twisting. Give us untwisted straps or nothing at all!!!!

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I just realized my all-natural deodorant is $10!?!? .... Not noticing outrageous prices. I'm bougie AF.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Example two, "Ok boo"
Are you saying, "Ok. Boo!" As in you don't agree with my choice (in a Princess Bride sort of way) or are you calling me "boo?" Which is also confusing...

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Missing punctuation and slang confused me. Example, text says: "Yeah right"
Did you mean, "Yeah, right!?!?" Are you agreeing with me or 90s-valley-girl shooting me down?

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Missing punctuation and slang confused me. Example, text says: "Yeah right"
Did you mean, "Yeah, right!?!?" Are you agreeing with me or 90s-valley-girl shooting me down?

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I feel like my entire life has been one big choice between "skinny" and "pizza."

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

You can't try on life. It's like underwear you evaluate in the aisle for ten minutes and just hope everything works out when you get it home.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Television was the adolescent equivalent of a drunken Haze. I basically remember nothing from my childhood.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I have a giant burger sitting in my stomach. And a pizza. And 10 years worth of counter-depression liquor.

[Preston S. Hale @plazmacow]

Stupid Vulcans, unfeeling psychopaths the lot of them!

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Every other part of my body spends its time keeping me alive, while my brain is like, "Here are the top ten reasons you shouldn't be alive. One..."

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I mentioned to someone recently that I drank every day. They immediately reacted, "Oh no, is everything ok?"
Me: "What? No! ...wait, yes. That's not even there point of the story!"
#functioningalcoholic #drinkallthedrinks #booze

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I set my glasses down and now I'm lost in my own apartment. I guess this is how I die...

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

I just saw Large Marg on a bicycle. The economy is especially rough on truckers right now.

[Calamity Jan @Jan_ica]

Do you think Bushmills named their Irish whiskey Red Bush because the carpet matched the drapes?