The Cre Master

I had some funny tweets years ago. Pretty good with a knife.

[The Cre Master @Jmboyd58]

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

[AJ Stevens (Minion) @miffedmim]

I know I’ve been absent from Twitter. It’s not because I stopped loving you, it’s because I was busy doing this:

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

[Bloody Surgeon @bloodysurgeon1]

I know a lot about colons for someone who doesn’t understand: colons.

[Bloody Surgeon @bloodysurgeon1]

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

[1st date]

Her: What should we do?
Me: Pick a color.
Her: Red.
Me: R, E, D. Pick a number.
Her: Two.
Me (unfolds triangle): Anal.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

Love to sit here & tweet all night y'all, but this Big Mac ain't gonna eat itself; ya know what I'm sayin playas?
*unpauses Little Mermaid

[Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 @PinkCamoTO]

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn't light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

I love you unconditionally provided you do certain things.

[Sandra @Sanbel11]

You obviously misunderstood when I said I'll leave the back door open

[olive @offbeatoliv]

I use the word “adulting” even though it’s not something I like to do.

[The Cre Master @Jmboyd58]

@authorkaitlyn That’s what HR said 😤

[The Cre Master @Jmboyd58]

@authorkaitlyn https://t.co/VbWTAt9xAm

[The Cre Master @Jmboyd58]

I can't take it anymore. They finally broke me and they will pay!

*leaves bowl of M&Ms mixed with skittles in work break room.

[Trey @treydayway]

My superpower is knowing that many people just want to be left alone and I comply

[olive @offbeatoliv]

Get in loser we’re going to Glamour Shots.

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

If you’re having a bad day, please remember this inspirational quote I got in a pack of stickers from China

[drea @A_gligs]

No sugar in your coffee cuz your ass is sweet

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

[on a date]

Men: I’ve had several (one) girlfriends. I’m a manager (assistant) at the company (gas station) I work for and have a great 401k (thinks it’s a video game). I enjoy mountain biking (doesn’t have a license).

[Betty Botticelli @Faungirl123]

Look, sometimes I put out shitty tweets and other times I put out shittier tweets

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

Got kicked out of the gym for calling myself a registered flex offender