Life UnPinteresting

I’ve changed names! Follow me @MegsHAUSTED

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

@jimmyfallon #MyQuarantineSuperPower is Olympic swimming, but holding my breath as I walk past any person in the grocery store.

[Life UnPinteresting @LifeUnPinterest]

@Scorpio1080 @xosm @Darlainky @sheseemslegit @DearAuntAbby @offbeatoliv @thepaulahunt @nameterminated @meghaffer @BnB_SPJessa @BrownDogBlanket @stereofiasco @DarkoneOfDamned @RiderofWolves @lauragg84 Thanks! I switched handles: @MegsHAUSTED 😘💖

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

ME: [endearingly to hubs] No, asshole...

4YO: Daddy, you APPLE!

Which one of you health gurus taught my kid to use that language?

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Your real college education comes in handy when you’re standing at a parade.

Half a mile from your car.

And any bathrooms.

With a 4YO who has to pee.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Plot twist: Green Eggs and Ham is actually just a metaphorical guide to spicing up your sex life.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Walmart’s new commercial not only makes me feel seen, but closely observed and published as a case study.😂

#MyMarriageInANutshell #SendOutForGroceries #HappyWifeHappyLife
#NotAnAd #IDontGetPaidShitForThis

https://t.co/dkWuHqaQ35

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

6YO: [Writing list of words with consonant digraphs] Ph-uck. That has two.

ME: Fuck? Um...well, the C-K is, yeah.

6YO: And it starts with P-H.

ME: No, it starts with F; that’s why they call it the “F-word.” So should you. Also, we apparently need to work on your spelling.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

I don’t wake up early enough to be your “ride-or-die,” but I can pick you up later if you break down.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Can we stop taking group photos that look like everyone’s about to pee their pants because a jetliner just flew over?

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

ME: Matter generally exists in three states: solid, liquid, or...

4YO: Pennsylvania?

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

AC tryin’ to intangibly Marie-Kondo my things by consistently changing “have” to “gave.”

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

If shoulder is a dish you are served cold, best to pair it with a tall glass of piss...off.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Taking the “break” portion of this Thanksgiving quite literally since the last time I cooked or bathed my children was Wednesday.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

The Amazon Smart Plug is just a millennial Clapper.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Maybe she WANTED the Peloton bike. Maybe she ASKED for it. Maybe she has HER OWN PERSONAL GOALS. It’s perfectly acceptable for someone to want to STAY IN SHAPE.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

[THE FIRST CHRISTMAS]

ANGEL: Behold...For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

THREE WISEMEN: For the Son of God to perform miracles, we bear these gifts of essential oils.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

For Christmas this year, I hope Santa casts whatever spell on my bank account the devil cast on my laundry hamper.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Everybody’s waiting for the ball to drop, and I’m just trying to squeeze my holiday card order in before midnight to get the free shipping.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

Happy New Year 2020! This is gonna be my year. I’m suddenly seeing everything so clearly.

[Megan Rikas @MegsHAUSTED]

If your kid got a Little Live Scruff-a-Luvs Rescue Pet as a gift that they can bathe, dry, and brush out...

Congratulations! You now have a stuffed pet you have to bathe, dry, and brush out.