carrot🥕

[The Unahugger @ned_flaczynski]

The phone should be pressing on the towel, deforming it slightly. GTA 6 looks to be the worst video game of all time.

[USA Reject @sadreturns]

it’s like a cockroach had his wish granted to become a real boy

[Clint Fiore 🦬 DM for Biz Deals @ClintFiore]

I propose we make sending an email cost 50 cents

[Vials @hisbelovedsleep]

“Did you see [The Current Thing]?”
“Yup, it’s Every Single Time”
“Definitely the tiny hat tribe”
“Exactly haha, with them you lose”
“Right, because they cry out in pain as they strike you”
“Dude, so true. 109 times, remember?”
“Haha, Shut It Down!”
“Alright, same time next week?”

[carrot🥕 @LordCarrot8]

@SoakUpThe_Sun Yeah this is obviously better

[carrot🥕 @LordCarrot8]

https://t.co/SYw3sdMpgz

[Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry @pegobry_en]

Civilized people hate voice notes because they’re inherently rude. A voice note is easy to send but hard to receive, since one must interrupt oneself and listen. To send someone a voice note is to say "My time is more valuable than yours." It’s insulting.

[Tom Caron @TomCaron]

For those of you new to baseball in the last few weeks, that's called a Red Sox loss. It's when the other team scores more runs than the Red Sox.

[Sam Westfall @samwstfall]

What a time to be alive. Every company is making a little bracelet that tells you when to go to bed and how to feel each day.

[Hamiltonian Zoomer🌲 @nolibertarians]

"Bernie Sanders' economics, Barack Obama's foreign policy, and Ro Khanna's conspiracy theories."

[dustin echoes @CheesyCheesy3]

Should have dropped ordinance on that boardwalk too. Who cares. You think that’s unsafe? Fuck you pussy. It’s called Department of War now by the way.

[“andrew” @_funmachine]

Seems to be a big divide between permanent DST and permanent standard time people. What if we compromised and did one for part of the year and the other for the rest of the year?

[Democrats Deliver @DemzDeliver]

🚨 Democrats have introduced a bill to ban ultra-bright headlights that blind drivers on the road.

[HowlingMutant @Howlingmutant0]

Sitting in the prison leisure room regaling the other inmates with my exciting tales of being an international art thief when my episode of “Pedophile Patrol” starts blaring on the rec room tv

[Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI]

We are now officially the first country to ever reach 250 years of age. Wow. Well done and happy birthday, America.

[carrot🥕 @LordCarrot8]

The only difference is that Bear experiences more pleasure during the sex scene

[Movie.Takes @Takes2Movie]

Curry Barkers’ ‘OBSESSION’ uncut version will also be released digitally with the theatrical release on June 30th.

[Cohen is a ghost @skullmandible]

man I'm going to kidnap soooooooo many 20-year-olds at those phoneless Phoebe Bridgers shows. christmas comin early

[carrot🥕 @LordCarrot8]

@IterIntellectus $200/mo btw

[tomie @tomieinlove]

In English, there is an untranslatable word—situationship—which expresses an intimacy without labels or the fetters of commitment. Meanwhile, Urdu is so spiritually bankrupt that it doesn’t even have a word for “lowkirkenuinely”