MillaMaid

Just slightly below average. Not bad.

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

Twitter is just one big circlejerk.
*unzips pants
*spits in hand

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

@ElonMNews A

[sliver of grace @sliver_of]

"No, no, I'm fine. This is how I live now."

-Me laying face down on the floor

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

It's ok. I don't like me either.

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

When I feel down at work, I just remember every day I spend in this office, is one day closer to deaths sweet embrace.

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

Where did I get all of this rage, you ask? Years of pretending to be a sweet southern woman.

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

If you tell people to smile, fuck you.

[MillaMaid @MAngie88]

The mom in me says, "kill them with kindness, honey. I'll speak with the teacher" regular me says "grab her hair and don't stop punching!"

[Funny Mom @hilariouswifey]

It's common knowledge that criminals love watching Cops.

I like watching murder mysteries.....

[Frankzulla @frankzulla]

The boob symmetry standard is bullshit, variety is best! Show me a set of testicles that are even and I will show you an obvious Photoshop.

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

But does baring your naked soul turn him on?

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

*shows up at your potluck party with a bag full of weed*

"I think I misunderstood the invitation."

[Cath @cathisamazing]

Homeless guy just said 'Damn' when I smiled as I passed him...

So obviously I've still got it

[Kit @Zombie_Kitv2]

Drinking/smoking game: take a shot or bong rip every time some broad on House Hunters says "cookie cutter" or "open plan."

[DJ Darrell Ripley© @djdarrellripley]

I was gonna smoke a joint with these two Mexican girls but, when I asked if they had papers they ran away....

👍🏻Twitter

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic

[andy @andrewmpearce]

every time i look at my phone my heart melts because my dog is so goddamn cute 😍♥️

[Doug Bies @dougbies]

I'm at my most Larry David when I date single Moms around Halloween so I can steal the candy their kids collect

[A @Angieisso]

Who the fuck names their cat Deborah?

[ugh* @heatherlou_]

I feel fat today.

*eats 9 mozzarella sticks*