sliver of grace

[sliver of grace @sliver_of]

Him: I love you
Me: *finger guns*

[Brunette Bohemian @Jane_Doe82]

The Jason mask stays on during sex

[Myrna Tellingheusen @PearlsFromMyrna]

Today I will be merging into traffic so don’t tell me you have problems.

[bones @bonesher]

be kind to the brain cells that show up in the morning.

[Christine Vinard @ChristineVinard]

I'm "thinking about getting bangs" depressed

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

My eating habits, I aim for the sweet spot, right between Unhealthy and Hazardous.

[Kung Fu Kanga @_little_old_me]

Don't fuck with me, mate. I've got my denim jacket on. The one with rips in it.

*cracks knuckles*

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Some women don’t even know they can have multiple orgasms, till they’ve seen me karaoke November Rain.

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Remember going to the pharmacy with your mother as a kid and for some reason you ended up with jelly beans?

[120yearz @120yearz]

your dm group is more sensitive than a clit

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

I've grown a lot in the last 3 minutes.

[Shade 5 🎬 @Shader70]

Accidentally bought the “kid’s size” masks so now I’m at work, basically wearing a g-string on my face.

[Jay Del Greco @jaydelgreco]

The potty was decorated with the young lad’s favorite cartoons. Relieving himself in it felt like an unconscionable betrayal of his idols, yet his folks wanted him to do just that. It was hard learning the awful difference between the vanity of honor and doing the right thing.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

Just for argument's sake, let’s say I agree with you that these berries are poisonous. HOW poisonous do you think? One to ten.

[Marly @VerbsRProudest]

I used to get in mild trouble for “roaming the halls” at school which sounds like I kept going feral or something.

[Tony @tsm560]

I’m too smart to keep repeating the same mistakes

opens twitter for the 4,400th day in a row