Manatee Jack

My life has been a series of events.

[Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash @mynameisntdave]

ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

*job interview*
Interviewer: "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?"
Me: "Skills"

[@[email protected] @JonBaker]

Me: So you're gonna let me sleep tonight?
Brain: Yup!
Me: No weird shit?
Brain: No weird shit

…

Me: Zzzzzz…
Brain:

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

Lying naked in the shower in the fetal position https://t.co/vaSrK7IlpE

[Zurich Insurance @Zurich]

What aproaches do you need to take in response to the changing #globalrisks landscape? https://t.co/r0G20AWbpJ

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

[In football huddle]

"What do you guys think happens when we die?"

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

Nephew, reading old Penthouse mag: What is brine?
Me: Can you use it in a sentence?
Him: I shot my salty ball brine...
Me: Gimme that!

[Nick Swardson @NickSwardson]

Saw someone with "my warm up is your work out" shirt. Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning so fuck you.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don't care what you like.

[the garbage shit boy @davedittell]

mostly I spend my time sitting on a bench at the mall hoping someone will think I'm their boyfriend or dad and briefly, mistakenly love me

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

Saw the Mona Lisa of fake tropical plants today. Where are the awards for these people?

Well done.

Well done.

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

Black shades, white gloves,
Lookin' sharp and lookin' for a clean, discrete partner interested in creating various types of human gravies.

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

Deciding how much facial hair to grow is the most challenging problem of our generation.

[Sandra @Sanbel11]

"Please let go of my hair"

-my gynaecologist

[cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2]

No matter how many times you sigh, I'm still not going to ask you what's wrong.

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

I need a camera in my kitchen. I don't know what kind of sandwich I made at 3am but apparently it involved a blender and an electric wok.

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

It's made from people... https://t.co/XXmSh5WKpg

[Manatee Jack @ManateeJack]

You make it so hard to love you. All frozen in my freezer and all...