OMGitsmatti

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs
Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[JC Tarp @jctwritesstuff]

*swings hammer*
*hits thumb*

Thor: That's not even how you use it.
Me: Pfft. *hangs painting*
Thor: Whatever. It's still totally crooked.

[Ryan 🇺🇸 @dsylixec]

I'd let her verb my noun.

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

I'm at the grocery store right now and this is a thing. #GrapesOfWrath

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

We're at a point in America where our presidential candidates might as well roast battle.

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

"Real, the struggle is."

- When Yoda had no Tinder matches on Dagobah.

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

- Wayne Gretzky

"You miss 100% of the shots you DO take."

- Stormtroopers

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

Everyone at @DCComics after #MarvelEvent

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

“Have an original thought and stop quoting me.”

- Marilyn Monroe

I just confused women everywhere.

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

My 5 year old son: "I'm gonna be a dad someday."

Me: "Not if you keep up with this Pokemon shit."

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

Green light means go, Yellow light means floor it. Red light means finish that text.

[Jay Whittaker @ItsJayWhittaker]

You're over 36 man. Turn your hat forwards.

[Ivsy @Ivsy01]

Different tracks, same spiral groove.

[OMGitsmatti @MattiSilver]

One wrong move and we're dead.
Wait... I did two wrong moves. What does two do!!!

[Eileen Curtright @eileencurtright]

Just make the title of your book the name of the main character & what it's about. Like Stacey Gets a Makeover. (Writing advice from a kid)

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

A cucumber, a tomato, and a head of lettuce walk into a bar.

It's a salad bar. They're all dead.