AFK Parsnip

I'm not a white carrot. I don't like to boast, but you probably won't find a cooler parsnip on Twitter. Avi by the talented @fro_vo

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

Hey! I’ve missed y’all so I decided to drop in for a visit. I’ll be in and out for the next day or two; shoot me a DM to say hi if you want!

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

@dafloydsta Thanks sir! https://t.co/OCrkDurylt

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

[God inventing the olive]
ANGEL: This is just a gross grape.
GOD: Not if you give it a butthole.
A: Wh- what?
G: Put some red shit in too.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT'S BACK

[ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest @flashember]

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

@metafinch @HawksleyWorkman You've bested me.

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

Grrlic

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

ME: What age do you recommend teaching your cat to use swords?

VET: Uh, never?

ME: You're right, true swordmasters are born with the gift.

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

Do NOT trust people when they say to use rhubarb wire to keep your livestock in. They will just eat the wire.

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

I want to meet a girl the old fashion way, but surgeons say making a woman out of a rib is impossible.

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

@dave_cactus I found one but I wish I didn't. https://t.co/XanQb1NB4p

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

Damn girl, if you were a vegetable you'd be ass-paragus. You know, because of your butt.
"I've asked you twice now to stop following me"

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

Butt
More butt*
Buttest

* I can't believe it's not butter.

[duumb @duumb]

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

@chuuew https://t.co/53KqdRmj0p

[wint @dril]

no

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

Henlo veg friends I am not in a soup. I hath returniped.

[AFK Parsnip @thinkingparsnip]

BOY: I like your dress. It's classy.
GIRL: It's because I made it out of ground wheat.
B: What?
G: It's flour-length.

[dont test me ill shrink u @vangobot]

*scribbling furiously on IQ test*
me: done!
invigilator: i see you've drawn several dicks
*into walkie-talkie*
better get Mensa down here

[andrew @AndrewsNotFunny]

[ME, LEAVING THE GYM]:

I'm here all weak!

[grumpy @grumpy_ball]

[bee in the room]

friend,dumb: ugh why won't it go out the door its open?

me, smart: maybe it doesn't understand the concept of doors greg

[Jeremy G @JeremyCanadian]

You: I've been listening to lots of Modest Mouse lately.
Me, an intellectual: I too am an aficionado of humble rodents

[Caitlin @caithuls]

Are you supposed to take melatonin before or after combing your teeth?