Touch My Monkey

I am filled with anticipation, and it is most delicious.

[Jen Good @buriedwithkids]

I told my extended family that I wanted to see them all today but really I just want them to buy stuff from my kids' school fundraisers.

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

The first rule of Book Club is that the Book Club is always better than the Movie Club.

[noog @noog]

Birds probably heard crickets and were like “how do we make that way more annoying and happen at 4am?”

[The Planet @ShipInTheKnight]

I'm eating because my butt is sore. It doesn't have to make sense.

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

"Let's bring the entire extended family!"
- everyone in IKEA right now

[Le Trav @TravLeBlanc]

This entire country has gone to shit ever since they stopped putting prizes at the bottom of cereal boxes.

[Le Trav @TravLeBlanc]

Violence is for people who don't know how to crush egos.

[Le Trav @TravLeBlanc]

I'm wearing my nice loincloth to church this morning.

[∀LLEY C∀T @deardilettante]

I don't have drunken episodes. It's more a collection of boxsets.

[Professional Word Gardener @heatherjs]

Going for someone's phone is worse than going for their privates.

[The Planet @ShipInTheKnight]

You say you "don't know where I'm coming from" like you lack empathy.

[Touch My Monkey @MyMonkeyTouch]

Interesting how whenever I work from home, my "office hours" become "happy" ones.

[The Planet @ShipInTheKnight]

My favorite position is juxta.

[Touch My Monkey @MyMonkeyTouch]

This morning I became living proof that yes, you can get a hangover from something called Pinot Noir.

[Lone_Star @Carter_TCB]

Twitter isn't fair. Now shut the fuck-up and tweet something decent.

[Touch My Monkey @MyMonkeyTouch]

I can say I have beavers in my backyard without being ironic, you?

[Touch My Monkey @MyMonkeyTouch]

I'd hate to be a kid today. You can't do anything fun without getting arrested, worrying about offending someone or being Instagrammed.