🌎

36 years ago I shit myself and ditched my soiled superman underwear inside the spiral tube slide. The playground was evacuated and quarantined. Now you share.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

Contrary to popular belief, genomes are not gangster gnomes.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

[Lindsey Graham @LindseyGrahamSC]

If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

Dolphins frequently use echolocation to determine who in the pod farted.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

I never see elderly gingers. Do they not live that long?

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

How to take a poop
1. no not quite
2. there you go

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

Babies are just like ducks, your wife will yell at you if you bring one home from the park

[Thoughtter @ThoughtOtter]

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

[brent @murrman5]

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
"change it"
how?
"press eject"
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

[Tweeting from an adobe home @Burger_Time_]

I wish i was a pilgrim so all i would have to do is gather sticks and die

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

If you're gonna make me out to be something I'm not, it'd be cool if you'd make me a dragon, thanks.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

8% of Ohio's lawn furniture was imported from hurricanes.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

What really screwed the Native Americans was their loose immigration laws.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

Please mail me another koala and put holes in the box this time.

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

There's a typo in my resume, it should say "fuck bitches, get money" not monkey

[sammy morris @themorris23]

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

"Naked and Afraid" is also a documentary chronicling that one time I had sex.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

I don't hashtag, I pound.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

When a penguin shits in your hair it's time to stop holding penguins above your head.

[🌎 @TeflonPawn]

Green aliens, gray aliens. Either way you're racist for describing them by skin color.