Tijl D

Organisational Psychology student, Poker enthusiast and football fan.

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

If Jeb Bush tried to mount a mission to kill Baby Hitler we’d probably end up invading Iraq again somehow.

[Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy]

I stared intently for 20 minutes at the chameleon exhibit & then the zookeeper walked up & whispered to me that it wasn't in there today.

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you'd think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

[Piers Morgan @piersmorgan]

If convicted, Benzema faces 5yrs in jail.
Or a transfer to Tottenham Hotspur.

[Michelle Wolf @michelleisawolf]

CNN investigates plane crashes like it's your ex's new girlfriend.

[chuuch @ch000ch]

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas

[Eugene Mirman @EugeneMirman]

The best thing about twitter is that sometimes you get to yell at a stranger about something you turn out to be wrong about.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

If eating fish is so good for your brain, how come sharks always score so poorly on the SAT?

[Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker]

I want the confidence of a tiny dog.

[Rob Huebel @robhuebel]

Too many of these jack-O-lanterns are starting to look a lot like my dead Nana. Miss you Nana!

[alexa @TheWoodenslurpy]

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

“And then the dog flies around and dunks a basketball and I’m like dogs can’t do that. This movie is dumb.”

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

Just did 69 sets of 420 pounds at the gym and now all the other bros are bowing down and declaring me their king.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Even though it fills Jesus Christ with homicidal rage, I continue to masturbate.

[Sir Michael @Michael1979]

Can someone photoshop a picture of me inventing the internet? I told a lie in a job interview and now I need to back it up.

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

“And this is my 730 page position paper on Luigi. Spoiler alert: he’s just green Mario.”

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager

[ghost mom @radtoria]

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

[Gavin McInnes @Gavin_McInnes]

A good 90% of what women see as sexism in the workplace is just dudes talking to them the way they talk to other dudes.