❌elissa 🤓

[❌elissa 🤓 @TopsyxTurvy]

YOUR GIRL PASSED THE CPA EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grace @graceyldn]

Some American girl on TikTok paid her neighbour $400 to feed her cat while she was on holiday and then asked if she’d spend 5 minutes a day playing with them so they didn’t get lonely. The neighbour said no!!

How I’d be entertaining that cat for $400:

[Joe Frick @joefrk]

Damn son… lmao

[fawn @daehatesyou]

during the diarrhea scare tho????

[Rachel McCartney @RachelMComedy]

Breathing the air outside today is equivalent to smoking two cigarettes: TERRIBLE for you unless you're drunk. Please, everyone, stay indoors until you've downed six White Claws

[charlie blank @charlieblank_]

how do i enter my unborn children in the “get a sponge bath from erling haaland” contest

[Colb @___Colb___]

LeBlues Clues is nuts brother you’re like 92 in basketball years.

[🤠 @heavensbvnny]

life before this tweet:

[charles “chuc” cantlay @CharlesCantlay]

Son I’m crine 😭

[JayJay ᥫ᭡ @Jameca2011]

i knew i was old when they rearranged the grocery store and i got mad af

[Conspiratorial Templates @mynamehear]

The only thing I don't like about the term "trickle-down stupidity" is that I didn't think of it first

[jack @jackhw_]

british people at the end of their texts

[jbolina jolie @pastapilled]

and you noticed #loser

[Real Salt Lake @realsaltlake]

We made an honest mistake yesterday and we are sincerely sorry for that.

When we welcomed the Watt family to America First Field, we should have recognized Kealia Watt for exactly who she is.

Kealia is a Utah native and one of the most decorated players to ever come out of this state. Kealia won four state championships with her club and four more in high school, and was a two-time Utah Gatorade Athlete of the Year. She was a U.S. youth national teamer at 13. At the U-20 level, she scored the game-winning goal in the World Cup final.

She started four years at North Carolina, won a national title with the Tar Heels, then went No. 2 overall in the NWSL draft to the Houston Dash, and was the franchise’s first-ever college pick. She then became their captain with 114 appearances and 28 goals. Kealia finished her career with the Chicago Stars (then known as the Red Stars) and is now a soccer analyst for Amazon Prime Video.

@KealiaOhai, @JJWatt — we are deeply sorry. Thank you for all you do for the sport.

[Kattoo King @SimplyKattoo]

The alcohol in a martini should be enough to kill the parasite in my ceasar salad, and then I'll pair it with fries, which are safe

[Annalise Keating @Ariannnyy_]

You can’t convince me life is just a series of coincidences. What do you mean Lionel Messi was randomly paired with a five-month-old baby after the baby’s family won a UNICEF raffle for a charity photoshoot while Messi played for Barcelona… and that baby grew up to be Lamine Yamal?

Lamine would go on to become one of the brightest young stars in soccer, wear the same No. 19 Messi wore for the same team when that photo was taken, and now, nearly two decades later, could face Messi in a World Cup Final???????

[your cousin Vinny @muddaub]

What’s crazy is that vegetable prices haven’t gone down. I have to play poopoo roulette AND pay full price??

[cнєєкυ⋆｡🪐˚ ⋆ @Okay_Bye___]

Me refusing to sleep because i didn't get enough me time after work

[barbarism critic @barbarismcrit]

What I’m eating to avoid the diarrhea disease