Skat Ape

My tweets:

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

To learn to walk on stilts, one must first hate the ground. At least that's what some clown told me behind the johns.

[shoping cart lunatic @CarroDeRumiante]

before flushing, i carefully insert the FTD (fecal tracking device) which will sync with my FT app

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

Goodnight to everyone, especially geoguessrs. ✌️

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

(Grampaw taking in the views on vacation) “Looks like a gat damn computer screen.”

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

Partying till they close the place down (Costco food court).

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

Hey apps, don’t give me the interpretation, give me the data. Say i’ll arrive at 13:36 instead of “in 21 minutes.” It’s an arbitrary way to feel control.

[Herschel Pennymacker @pennymacker]

That extra love you feel for your dog because you know they’re only going to be around for a little while. Maybe the tree feels that way about me.

[Slappy @Slapmemam]

Never beaten a vending machine, but I’ve made it feel bad about itself.

[shoping cart lunatic @CarroDeRumiante]

firing lasers at the speed of light

[shoping cart lunatic @CarroDeRumiante]

using my platform to beat your skull
(while hopping around one-legged on my other platform)

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

Hosing off then using a leaf blower to dry my hair.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

If you’ve forgotten the feel of a first kiss, have some fresh hot bread with good butter.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

If you showed a Nissan Armada to someone from hundreds of years ago, even they’d be like “Forsooth! The posterior bumper doth extend a vulgar length!” It’s an absolutely obscene example of trying to out-big everything else on the market.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

At the pearly gates, St. Peter shows me everything to which i’ve ever tilted-head-laugh emoji reacted. Some were objectively not tilt-worthy. He wobbles his head in indecision.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

@freshchonk “Oh he’s fed thru a tube!”

“….That’s a bottle.”

[bonnie @fwrosting]

when my mom behaves i reward her with information about my life

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

You can get it fast or you can get it right. But with me, you can also get it with cat hair.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

That feeling when you see something Scuttling over the ground and you think it’s a Cool New Bug but it turns out to just be an ant carrying some bullshit.

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

Breathing thru it (driving into the big city)

[Skat Ape @_Skatape]

What even is your home’s passive energy consumption bro?

[Otter (Gnome de Plume) @DinosaurBoogers]

Vehicles should have an external indicator when cruise control is on, call it the Virtue Signal.