Alt

✝️ 17

[Alt @Altnzrf]

"I dont care about the saftey of any of the young girls in my family, and did nothing when a predatory man with access to them touched me sexually without my consent, men patting me on the back for excusing their disgusting behavior is more important than their saftey"

[Kat Spartz ⏸️ 🔶 @KatSpartz]

I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times over my life and it’s never traumatized me. If anything, I found most of the experiences mildly humorous.

When I was 18 I was drinking and smoking weed with a male adult family member and a family friend. At one point, the family friend grabbed my boob. I swatted him away and said, “Cut it out!” My family member laughed.

I interpreted this as my family member knowing I was a strong, independent woman and I could handle myself. Which was true. No harm done. The family friend never did anything again. It deepened my identity as an adult who can protect herself (or recruit the justice system if that’s not working, just like other adults).

However, if I’d been enmeshed in far left politics, I’d probably have felt deep and long-lasting fear. This was an example of the patriarchy. This was an example of men being dangerous. It would confirm this deep feeling of unsafeness.

How can my reaction fit with the predominant belief that sexual assault is deeply traumatizing?

It’s because we’ve done two things:

• Oversimplified everything, calling everything from rape at gunpoint to receiving a dick pic “sexual assault.”

• Created a self-fulfilling prophecy. People are very influenced by social expectations, so if we say something is traumatizing, we’re far more likely to experience it as trauma.

———

Trauma expectations create a self-fulfilling prophecy

We are very influenced by our interpretation of events. I’m not saying the trauma response isn’t real for people who felt terrified being asked out by their boss or were touched against their will. The question isn’t whether people feel scared. The question is whether their interpretation of the event causes suffering.

And it most certainly does. I remember during the Great Awokening an older family member said at dinner, “You know, I’ve been thinking. I used to think the occasional pinched butt when I was younger was funny, but now I’m wondering if it was actually pretty harmful.” This is decades after the fact.

People go from seeing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” as romantic and sweet to seeing it as rape culture. Yet another example of men being dangerous sexual predators to fear.

Here are some studies:

• Assault victims who saw their reactions as signs of permanent damage developed worse PTSD, even after controlling for how severe the assault was (Dunmore, Clark & Ehlers, 1999).

• People nudged toward a broad definition of trauma felt more distress after a disturbing video than people given a narrow one (Jones & McNally, 2022).

• Trigger warnings didn’t reduce survivors’ anxiety, but they did make survivors see their trauma as more central to who they are, which predicts worse PTSD (Jones, Bellet & McNally, 2020).

Of course, some sexual assault isn’t a brief grab of a boob. That can be interpreted as harmless or harmful. But that’s very different from being raped at gunpoint. You can’t interpret that away. Which brings us to our next point.

———

Not all sexual assault is created equal

There’s a whole spectrum of what is referred to as sexual assault, all the way from rape at gunpoint to a butt pinch.

At one end of the spectrum, you cannot interpret your way into not suffering. These experiences intrinsically cause suffering. Maybe if you go meditate in a monastery for decades and achieve enlightenment you could handle it with equanimity, but ain’t nobody gonna do that. As the Buddha says, if he ate shit, it would still taste bad.

(I lied. It wasn’t the Buddha who said that. It was some other famous Buddhist I can’t seem to track down.)

Now, it’s unclear where along the spectrum it goes from intrinsically harmful to up to interpretation. It’s probably a more or less smooth spectrum with personal variation. If you’re naturally higher in neuroticism, this might be triggered more easily than if you were born lower in neuroticism.

But nowadays there are *plenty* of things that clearly fall into each category.

Sexual assault that is intrinsically harmful:

• Rape with threat of weapons or using physical force while you scream and struggle

• Roofieing somebody and raping them while they’re unconscious

• Kidnapping somebody and having sex with them where they can’t escape

• Anything involving full-on violence where you are punched, kicked, shot, cut, etc.

Sexual assault that is up to interpretation:

• Unsolicited nudes. One of the easiest things to find amusing, really.

• Both people being drunk and having sex.

• A quick grope that is quickly stopped and doesn’t repeat.

��� Being propositioned by a boss. This usually gets called harassment rather than assault, but it’s increasingly lumped into the same cultural bucket, and in many times and places it was considered flattering.

Catcalling is a really interesting one. Once I was having coffee in Vancouver with an Indian friend of mine who was in from out of town. I asked her how she was liking Canada.

“I don’t know. . .” she said. “People aren’t very friendly here.”

“Oh! That’s surprising to hear. What makes you think that?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve been here a whole week and not a single person has catcalled me,” she said sadly. “Do people not think I’m attractive?”

I was flabbergasted. I’d grown up in the most progressive of progressive enclaves and the idea that somebody would *like* catcalling was baffling.

But it permanently changed my interpretation of catcalling. Ever since, I’ve interpreted it as a compliment and I’m way happier. Although it hasn’t changed all that much, since catcalling just isn’t that common in most of the West now because people have been trained not to.

Now, we can certainly hash out the things in the middle. Maybe do some yelling at people on the internet about whether Ryan Gosling in The Notebook was a romantic or a stalker. But let’s stop assuming all sexual assault is the same and will lead to trauma. We don’t want to create self-fulfilling prophecies and create more suffering than necessary.

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@KatSpartz While your feelings about what happened to you are whatever, you do realize that not harshly punishing these behaviors, which are violating and demeaning, even if you aren't traumatized, you are encouraging them, and putting other women at risk? Male centered women are demons.

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@jammie1556 @_Messier_33 Most paintings by women are not pornographic.

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@just_frens Awww you're being very nice thank you!

I try not to share too much on the internet but growing up in poverty and around addicts exposes you to scary things, and I've just never had stability or any real friends or family.

But I think things are looking up! I hope so at least.

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@In_cel43 Sorry for saying a mean joke BP Elliot I won't do it again

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@jammie1556 @_Messier_33 That is really really gross but it is not representative of women's art in general, most women find that disgusting, and it's pretty disingenuous to imply that it is.

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@just_frens I am glad you have had success in your life!

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@just_frens Being very religious but not zionist or left wing I always tend to find myself in parts of the internet like this because it's the only place I find common ground with people.

I think there is something good out there for me even though my life has been really harsh so far!

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@just_frens Aww thank you!! Goodness is still out there somewhere even when it doesn't feel like it

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@just_frens I wish you luck too I hope you have a happy life God bless you

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@nuke_crusader @just_frens Um you're mean 😡😡

[Alt @Altnzrf]

I don't like going outside to get the mail at night because it's scary 😰 but I always forget during the day

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@second_teatime I drank 7 cups of coffee today and I'm more hydrated than ever!

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@expatanon "There's this weird ideology emerging out of late gen z where people don't like it when you're a freaking gross weirdo and want to destroy everything that is good in the world"

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@okthamkyou @BradleyGrey_ I'm gonna beat you up

[Alt @Altnzrf]

The best spice drops are the clove and licorice ones and the worst one is cinnamon

[Alt @Altnzrf]

My freaking stomach hurts because I only ate spice drops and 7 cups of coffee today

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@okthamkyou @BradleyGrey_ Oh em gee that was mean sorry 🥺😭😢

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@okthamkyou @BradleyGrey_ Neither have you because you've never been with any 😢😢😢

[Alt @Altnzrf]

@eaglesview79 @just_frens @0x49fa98 Then why do you want to date them so bad why don't you just become a priest or something?