aly

I let twitter define my character in intervals of 140.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

now the next step is to just call it marriage instead of gay marriage

[post nasal droll @alldrolledup]

Can't, gay wedding.

[aly @alymoemaly]

@TophStewart I got all the blowjobs. I mean *gave.

[aly @alymoemaly]

@TophStewart also, my birthday.

[Ryan v2.0 @Mr57percent]

Baby, there are a lot of fun things we can do in bed. Have you ever felt the pleasure of 8 hours of sleep?

[Jon Savitt @savittj]

nice to meet you where you been I could show you incredible snacks

[aly @alymoemaly]

Things I would rather do than potty train my toddler:
-watch Caillou marathon
-eat mudpies
-bathe a homeless man
-sell my soul to the devil

[aly @alymoemaly]

Going to write an autobiography called I literally can't even (make this stuff up). Because that's my life these days.

[aly @alymoemaly]

I asked 4 why he loved me and he said because I make dinner. The way to a man's heart is always food. Even as a toddler.

[aly @alymoemaly]

I've been on tinder so often these days I'm trying to swipe left and right on tweets.

[SΞASTONESTREET @clindsaysway]

You're just one selfie away from being your own Valentine.

[pea @preawsaurus]

let's complain about humanity like we're not part of it.

[Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 @PinkCamoTO]

Anyone else ever look up from their phone and not know where they are?

[Shane @shanethevein]

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.

Or as I like to call it, Valentine's day eve.

[aly @alymoemaly]

Any guys looking to get laid this Valentine's Day should head to your nearest theater. In a suit. With a tie. You're welcome.

[Swishergirl @Swishergirl24]

The hardest part about being married again is remembering to take my ring off when I go out.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

Daddy can we go to the park?!

*looks at 12% battery*

"No"

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

PLOT TWIST: You snooze, you win because naps are freaking awesome.

[The_martinigirl @The_MartiniGirl]

Twitter is by far the longest game I have ever played.