Ally Wagner

What heart? I have been reliably informed that I don't have one.

[Dan O'Brien @OtherDanOBrien]

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: "Anyways" isn't a word. You mean "anyway"

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

[Sean Lowe @SeanLowe09]

Secret to a good marriage: find someone you want to hang out in sweatpants with but also make out with.

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

Today at school one of my 1st graders walked up to me, handed me $1, and said, "Go buy yourself something nice" 💵👌🏼

[batkaren (a/k/a kt roth) @batkaren]

They say "you snooze, you lose," which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

Just watched Homeward Bound. Kevin and I bawled like babies. It's fine, we're fine. 🐶🐱🐶💔😭

[haunted unicorn @hauntedunicorn]

u get teary-eyed when u yawn bc u miss ur bed

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Was I speeding?
COP: What? No, LOL. I saw your dog in the backseat. Can I pet him?

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@justintroy_ @Mikky_Kayla you're a good friend! ❤️

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@Mikky_Kayla @justintroy_ hahaha did you really?!?! 😂

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@desertruneox wait but I'll be there Thursday!! 💔

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

When your 1st grade students are disruptive in choir, they write you sweet apology letters. And yes, his real name is Legend.

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@cassandra3898 @srossmango haha wait which one?! 😂

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

DOG: Then she turned on this loud death machine
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* Mmm hmm, you mean a vacuum?
DOG: *in tears* IT TRIED TO MURDER ME

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@LadyBlackBird44 THERE'S A MILLION THINGS I HAVEN'T DONE JUST YOU WAAAAAIT

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

6-year-old: Is being an adult scary?

Me: There isn’t a single thing to worry about

6: OK

Me: There’s literally everything to worry about.

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

@TheTrueJay 🙋🏻 Yes please!

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

[4-year-old in a corner]

Wife: What happened?

Me: She said Avada Kedavra

Wife: You gave her a timeout for that?

Me: Azkaban was too far.

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

[Ally Wagner @arossmango]

Some things never change. Hope you had the very best birthday. I love you! ���