Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire

Alan is the internet's first Agony Goat. Ask him anything & he will give you frank & capricious advice. Use the #AskAlan hashtag or DM for anonymity.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

That's me! #AskAlan @askalangoat ❓🐐 https://t.co/ZmWvjnCE6B

[Varndean Goats @varndeangoats]

Launching Today: ASK ALAN - The Varndean Goats are pleased to announce their newest and most exciting... https://t.co/rXa67PE13N

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@geomr 🍩

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@geomr @sbl365 @Ed_Dorrell @educationgovuk @DamianHinds Jungle clearance is my specialism. I draw the line at kangaroo anus though, so you'll have to do that.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@pumpkinnursery @varndeangoats 'Too much' isn't something we recognise. We're dedicated to the challenge.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@varndeangoats @stevereach2 @pumpkinnursery @MD_Chickens You may also send carrots.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@geomr Hello Martin. Goats are normally very friendly and affable fellows so I'm surprised to hear this. I can only imagine that you taunted them somehow. Might that be it Martin? Might it?

[Varndean Goats @varndeangoats]

As schools and colleges prepare for the arrival of #GDPR , they must make arrangements for the safe and secure disposal of sensitive data. #dataprotection #securityshredding #ethel #twilighttraining

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Morning Goatfans. I'd go for 10 duck sized horses. Just the right size to get headbutted. Presuming they'd also have 10 duck sized horse lunches they'd be leaving on their way out.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Clearly a hot issue. But isnt everything in life made better by goats?

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@wulyum @WandsworthRadio @WandsworthDD Pros are immeasurable Life can only get better with a beard. We've had Movember, now we need Beardcember. #GrowABeardForSanta
The only cons are the gender limitations for ladies wishing to participate.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Good morning Wandsworth and beyond. My question this morning is this: Would Darth Vader's character have been improved or lessened if he had a pet goat as a constant companion?
Then, same question re Capt. James T Kirk

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@wulyum @varndeangoats @Academies_Show @tes Anyfing For You. 🎶. Do you get it? Do you?

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@wulyum @varndeangoats @Academies_Show @tes We got a free nail file thrown in?

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@wulyum @varndeangoats @Academies_Show @tes Us? Cheap? How very dare you!

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Alan himself would like to ask a question of your audience this morning. Would that be OK?

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Never, Ian. For health and safety reasons. Christmas songs encourage wassailling, and wassailling in public can be fraught with danger. #mulledwine #slipsandtrips

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Well I asked my old zebra drinking mate Zoe and she said 'humans need to get over the whole monochrome thing & realise that Zebras are nature's own mindfulness colouring-in templates. Don't see the stripes, see the opportunities for rainbows.'
She was a bit drunk though.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio Cheese packing is a noble calling but the money's not great and only 20 days holiday. I'd advise retraining in teaching Physics.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@WandsworthRadio The answer's already in the patient's notes. 'In the desert you can't remember your name'. Amnesia & depression is my diagnosis. Sad case.

[Sir Alan Chickens of Pumpkinshire @askalangoat]

@magpie_ms @mrlawes @wulyum @kennygfrederick Alan has already had several DMs offering him all manner of unmentionables.