RockHardDadBod

Stay-at-home-dad of two. Ever-aspiring comedian. My kids rule but if you can't laugh at parenting, it'll eat you alive.

[RockHardDadBod @atheistpops]

*Parents Anonymous Meeting*

"Hello, my name is Bill, and I have a 2yo."

"Nice work Bill, the 1st step is admitting you have a problem"

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

When someone tries to accuse you of doing something, but they can't prove anything.

[ghost mom @radtoria]

"He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now."

[RockHardDadBod @atheistpops]

@CNN what the hell am I watching right now!? This is what I have to wake up to. Your idiotic, sexist male anchors. #embarrasing

[Rogelio Garcia, Lawyer @LawyerRogelio]

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING TRUMP TODAY IS TRYING DISASSOCIATE HIMSELF FROM THE NAZIS AS HIS SUPPORTERS ...RETWEET THIS UNTIL NOVEMBER 8 .

[RockHardDadBod @atheistpops]

Exactly. This horse has been brutally beaten to death multiple times. The only people who care about this are trump supporters #whocares https://t.co/IWurWf4Wsz

[Muckmaker™ @RealMuckmaker]

No one cares about Hillary Clinton’s emails except those who already planned to vote against her https://t.co/eLU6NOnONL via @dailynewsbin

[Twin Dad @TwinSurvivalist]

I'll take one to go.

* Motions to entire buffet line.

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

[RockHardDadBod @atheistpops]

@squirrel74wkgn Did this in my new house last night! Scared the shit out of me lol

[Seth Grahame-Smith @sethgs]

Remember like, a week ago, when Trump held a press event about how important it is to believe accusers when they come forward?

[Frank Underwood @Frank_Underwood]

Anyone who thinks they can #Repealthe19th never met Claire.

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

This is what the Electoral College map would look like if...well if...ah fuck it, here's a dragon

[Elisha ben Abuyah @Elishabenabuya]

Print him off for your kids to color
make sure to have plenty of orange

[Clay Skipper @SkipperClay]

I think this dude just flipped to "decided voter"

[Clue Heywood @ClueHeywood]

.@TicTacUSA THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRUMP FLAVOR?

[Onbrooklyn1 @OnAdams1]

When @TicTacUSA feels "we can't even clean that mouth," it's time to hang it up @realDonaldTrump.

[the pan-midwesterner @panmidwest]

DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

[RiotWomenn @riotwomennn]

Donald Trump has totally lost his mind tonight ... interrupting Clinton. He is making no sense, rambling. How embarrassing #debatenight

[huntigula @huntigula]

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

[Chad Read @squirrel74wkgn]

[wearing Spider Man underoos]

What's wrong baby, does my outfit-

"Please don't..."

-bug you?

[คkค Ʀคςђ @ryan_rachryan80]

I played with my kids Furbie til it started cussin, and smokin cigarettes. She never let me touch her toys after that.