Carpe Noodle

[Insert witty comment here.]

[Khem Birch Society @NBABabySecret]

When everyone thinks you are senile, a good strategy is to invoke your hatred of windmills, as there are no famous literary parallels to this

[Carpe Noodle @carpenoodle]

What makes this peak Twitter is, at the end of the day, the question was premised on incorrect information, yet it’s everyone else who’s low IQ…

[J.T. Alexander @JTAlexander]

The DMV was where I suddenly became aware of how stark the IQ gap actually is in practice.

I went to ask a simple question. My first iteration was this, verbatim:

“The roads are covered in ice, so I know it’s not happening right now, but I wanted to ask about motorcycle road tests. You have to have a motorcycle to do the test, but you can’t buy one in this state without the motorcycle endorsement on your license. So, how does that work?”

First answer, verbatim: “Well… we can’t do them in winter.”

It took five increasingly condescending rephrasings to get an answer and I was so stunned by the experience that I can’t even recall the answer.

This incredibly ugly interface is specifically designed to cope with the fact that the DMV is a jobs program for the medically retarded.

[susie 𓆟 @_qwertygrl]

he maxed out the city services so they’re giving him simcity challenges

[Will 🦥 Menaker @willmenaker]

At this point "Abolish ICE" is setting the bar way too low, "Punish ICE" establishes a much better baseline going forward

[one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500]

Spain-Argentina is the first World Cup “Colonizer vs Colonized” match that makes me say “well, let’s consider the nuances”

[Miss Ally @MissAlly_01]

When James Bond is abroad, is he known as +44007?

[Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani @NYCMayor]

This morning in Biddeford, Maine, a 26-year-old man said goodbye to his wife and daughter and left for work. Moments later he was dead, shot in the head by ICE agents, the second man ICE has killed in six days.

ICE is killing our neighbors. ICE cannot be reformed. Abolish ICE.

[Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker]

Some good career news! Christopher Nolan has hired me to personally write “dad” in every copy of The Odyssey, including the one in your house. I’ve already done it. Audiobooks and digital versions, too. I also gave Scylla they/them pronouns in early medieval handwritten copies

[Dr Francis Young @DrFrancisYoung]

Let’s not forget that even if England win against Norway on Saturday they will then immediately have to march 200 miles south and play France without so much as a hydration break

[Books Behind Borders @MHTruthUltra]

I remember when I was young they had these people called “investigative journalists” who could find out stuff like if a senator was dead or not

[Kyle Ayers @kyleayers]

Not saying that game was stolen from Egypt but it is now on display at museum in London.

[Ethan Beard @ethan_beard1920]

Nolan’s adaptation of Homer looks all wrong. Old ships and wooden horses and mythical creatures. Homer works at a power plant and eats donuts. He’s friends with Lenny and Carl. I guess we’ll see. 🤷‍♂️

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I ordered the book “How to Scam People” over six months ago and it still hasn’t arrived…

[Sopranos Vibes @sopranos_vibes]

Meadow: it’s wrong and it’s corruption!

Tony: Enough! The red card was suspended and in this house Folarin Baolgun is a hero!

Anthony Jr: I thought you said soccer was gay?

Carmela: There’s nothing wrong with that.

[Frank Conniff @FrankConniff]

Out of respect to Mitch McConnell, I’m not going to write a nasty post about what an odious piece of shit he’s always been until I know for sure that he’s dead.

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

not necessarily saying a president needs to know how to manage algae, but if the manager of a Super 8 fucked up the swimming pool so badly they had to call in the National Guard, my response would not be "hell yeah let's let this guy take a crack at brokering peace with Iran"

[Thumbs @punishedthumbs]

We mostly just set up our scene partners for really funny punchlines

[liam cunningham @liamcunningham1]

In the not too distant future, the politicians and editors and news producers will be parroting, for the rest of their pitiful careers, ‘The legal advice we received at the time’, to juries, to government committees, to the parents and the children of the murdered.#GazaGenocide‌

[Jack Subpar @SuisizeMe]

I never knew this but the middle finger insult comes from medieval archers. in those days they would hold up their middle finger because it meant "fuck you"

Pretty cool!

[Aaron Fritschner @Fritschner]

You should have voted to convict the scorpion in its impeachment trial, Senator Frog