Cardinal Jackson

*making you punch yourself* Stop hitting yourself. Tweets are here:

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

[brent @murrman5]

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

Wife: why's the zoo calling about missing gorillas?

Me: [w/ very hairy guys in trench coats] I'm just crackin open a cold one with the boys

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

JUDGE: Order! I'll have order in this courtroom!

ME: *lips on mic* I didn't get a menu, your honour.

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

WIFE: How's the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don't think he read it.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

you didn't unfollow me again did you 👀

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

Got kicked out of the Hells Angels for not bringing enough Skittles for everybody.

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

Canadian Geese sure do love their honckey.

[zach kagan @zakagan]

HELP ME PLEASE. A MAN NEEDS TO COMMUTE TO LOUISVILLE WITHOUT TEARING HIS ROTATOR CUFF

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

LEGAL FACTS:
The louder you yell "I know my rights!" when you're arrested the more rights they have to give you.

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

"Your name?"
"Annie, R.U.O.K
"Annie, R.U.O.K?"
"R.U.O.K, Annie"

[mo @chuuew]

He's not even trying anymore...

[marf @MarfSalvador]

[Car chase]

Me: THE BRIDGE IS OUT!!

Bryan: *Scared* Dude, are we gonna make it?!

Me: We don't have time for that, we'll have to jump

[bryan (parody) @CopBroughtPizza]

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN'T STOP SHOUTING!

[Cardinal Jackson @cepheusjackson]

[Sits alone in his office all day]

[Farts]

*knock on the door*

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

COP: What's the rush?

ME: A Canadian rock band

COP: Ok smart aleck, wait while I check your info

{45 min}

COP: They have some good tunes