Powerpuff_boy

Now available without a prescription.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

I have doubts about the Lindbergh baby story. I leave my son's bedroom window open every night and he still hasn't been kidnapped.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

ANGELINA: I will higher the best lawyers and spend every last penny to win custody of our 23 children
BRAD: take them please

[eEric @ericsshadow]

if you're under 40 and already wearing mom jeans you can walk into any pet store and just start working

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

I've never once won employee of the month despite being self employed, working alone & having the keys to the trophy cabinet.

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Therapist: tell me about these reoccurring nightmares you're having
Me: they're nightmares
Therapist: ...
Me: & I keep having them

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

COP: You ran a red light.

"So did you. Hypocrite."

COP: Sir, I was following you.

"That was dumb. I'm a terrible driver."

COP: Get out.

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[back at date's house]
Her: you want a drink?
Me [first time seeing a lava lamp]: is that dildo on charge?

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

DAD COP: Know why I stopped you?

"Speeding?"

DAD COP: You asking, or telling?

"You look mad"

DAD COP: Not mad, just disappointed

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

"Can you just give me a warning?"

DAD COP: Go ask your mother.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

[watching the Miss America pageant]
WIFE: who's winning?
ME: I DON'T KNOW THEY'RE LITERALLY ALL FROM AMERICA

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

When I die, people will look back & say, "He's dead now."

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me [looking at the cat & the toaster]: not yet

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

[ally 𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 🐊🧑‍🍳🐕🏳️‍🌈 @notacroc]

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It's important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[gets nervous while robbing a pawn shop] yes um how much can i get for this gun and ski mask

[miss charades @ShockTartBionic]

Who brings boxed Chardonnay to a party? A fucking asshole that's who

[eEric @ericsshadow]

[first date]
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I'm your bartender. You're at Buffalo Wild Wings.

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[breaking 5 minute silence on first date]
Me: sorry I laughed when you said both your parents were dead

[eEric @ericsshadow]

GIRL: *wearing headphones* I've been here 20 minutes are you ignoring me?
WAITER: yes you're welcome