Hannah Nussbaum

I got a nose

[Hannah Nussbaum @DassNuss]

The advantage of breaking glasses while putting them in the dishwasher is that more glasses will fit in the dishwasher.

[The Cre Master @Jmboyd58]

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

[sweatpants cher🔸 @House_Feminist]

I've never cried to get out of a ticket but have gotten out of a ticket due to the crying I was coincidentally doing when pulled over.

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

[∞ + 1 @stuckinaportal]

me: [angrily fidgeting w windshield wiper settings, trying to match rain speed]

kid: dad…?

wife: [shakes head & implies "not a good time"]

[garth @garbagecoven]

i'm staunchly anti-war and anti-capitalism until the second a t-shirt cannon comes out

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

I'm so quirky. I'm always losing bobby pins and my sunglasses and my keys and my will to live on this planet.

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

ME: hey Siri

SIRI: *audible sigh*

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Sometimes I procrastinate many things at once it's like multitasking. I call it multicrastination and it is exhausting.

[Ash (an female) ⚪️ @adult_mom]

Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.

[olive @offbeatoliv]

Scotch neat please

Umm...this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch "grande"

[Noodles @Dawn_M_]

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can't get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

[Sam @SufficientCharm]

I had sex and all I got were these kids.

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.

[John Bechard @JohnBechard]

I'm "avocado colored appliances" years old.

[Garth Collins @Voiceofgarth]

I'll reach my IDEAL body weight after I've died and decomposed for about 3 months.

[Ivsy @Ivsy01]

fool me once. thats easy. fool me twice. also easy.