abe

@theonion

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@poisonjr yoo I will sell you my 2008 Saab 93 for $1800. It's automatic. I'm in DC so I could drive it to you.

[jake rhodes @jakebrodes]

Drinking a Dr Pepper on a bench downtown and a group of fat white big ear gauges guys just walked by and one of them was like I cant come to San Marcos man too much hot pussy out here. And his buddy goes “I’ve never heard you talk like that not once. What’s the matter with you.”

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@whynotlynott Now This I gotta I see

[abe @DoubleAbe]

The sex bots that follow me will love this news:

My fellowship at The Onion is now complete. I wrote lots of headlines, but also 11 seconds of new standup that I would love to do on your show! The future is in YOUR hands. Dont let this be the only comedy I ever get paid to do!

[follow @bencollins on bluesky @oneunderscore__]

This isn't real. Account got hacked. Don't click on anything unless you want your money stolen by incels.

We are working on getting the posts removed. In the words of a famous philosopher: "Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remove it."

[audrey @phlegmme]

Orville Redenbacher groped my thigh at a popcorn industry event in 2018

[pj @pjayevans]

Going through the chipotle line and saying no to everything and then leaving

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Truth Without Hope. Fear Without Limits. News Without Mercy.

The Onion News Network returns now.

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@trimbercomedy @historyinmemes There's also like a serial killer rapist with that name I believe

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@whynotlynott Where is Gabe doing spots tn?

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@anylaurie16 Thanks ��

[cowboy postbop @cowboy_postbop]

It’s really funny that Trump has not one but *two* adult sons but they’re so unavoidably stupid the MAGA guys have to do the Lisan al-Gaib thing with Barron because he’s like eight feet tall, looks the most like him and has never said anything in public at all

[abe @DoubleAbe]

the army of sex robots who make up the majority of my followers are going to love this news: this headline is the 100th one I've written!

if I could leverage this milestone to do your stand up comedy show that would rock. Idc what city so long as it's DC or NY or maybe Boston

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Naked Man Emerging From Ocean Must Have Just Finished Evolving https://t.co/s9WkkRzJ8n

[follow @bencollins on bluesky @oneunderscore__]

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO.

We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff.

Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.

https://t.co/CQtWzFHn4A

[Darth Erogenous @darth_erogenous]

every picture of him looks like a suburban uncle doing a Confucius Say joke when his taiwanese waiter’s halfway out of earshot

[Listen to Online Boy on Spotify or else (threat) @realonlineboy]

Oh my god. I went to a Lilly Singh taping and I was sitting RIGHT under the audience mic and you can hear me laughing the entire show, this is so embarrassing

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@whynotlynott Don't know what u talkin bout but shaddup! 🤭

[abe @DoubleAbe]

@_chase_____ V cool!!

[Joe Kwaczala @joekjoek]

my album "funny songs & sketches" is out today! and as a special treat, here's the first music video. it's for a dumb little country song called "unless..."