✨ Sparkle Duck

ho ho hoard your favorite things ✨

[✨ Sparkle Duck @duck_sparkle]

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush but in the spirit of philanthropy, i ✨🦆 am willing to sit in anyone's hand for the low low price of merely one (1) bush bird #abirdinthehand #philanthropy #whatadeal #sparkleduck

[Abam @AdamBroud]

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

[Dr Pessimus Prime, rat edition 🐀 @BigJDubz]

Candy is short for Candrew

[Grace Segers @Grace_Segers]

Me, writing an email:

I'm using an exclamation point so you know I'm friendly and excited! But now I'm using a period so that you know I'm not crazy. Here's another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!

[✨ Sparkle Duck @duck_sparkle]

*sees alphabetical list of names that i will absolutely no way for sure not be on*
*immediately looks for my name just in case*

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

[Mave @MavenofHonor]

On top of everything else, a dog in the neighborhood got a bad haircut and I can tell he knows

[jo @whatsJo]

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

[Nathan W Pyle @nathanwpyle]

a c k n o w l e d g e

[Nathan W Pyle @nathanwpyle]

the rest of the story

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

My sicko mode is just me saying thank you more curtly

[mo @chuuew]

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that's not a proper meal

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

[∞ + 1 @stuckinaportal]

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

[Caitlin @caithuls]

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush