duck

Radical centrist. Go Chiefs. Do i look fat?

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

Photographer: "Wow, you've got an enormous dick!"

Kim Kardashian: "Actually, he's only five foot eight."

[Luke Schwartz is nice again, 🤷‍♂️ @LukeDoesStuff]

Medical question: is it possible to poo without an erection?

[Sweet Slips @Ndeshi_M]

You can't afford your bills or basic food, but by all means...have another baby!

Stupid fucking people!

[Lava Ninj @equinelover137]

Saw a woman with five o'clock shadow at work the other night, so I'm still keeping the unicorn dream alive

[TITANSHOMER ™️ @TitansHomer]

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don't think that's a weakness

M: I don't give a shit what you think.

[Amy Dillon @amydillon]

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

[duck @ducksthoughts]

Me - So how did the Sharpie "explode" all over the living room wall?

My son - I hit it with a baseball bat

FML

[SHANIE BOY @Shane_Rodenbeck]

#IShouldntLaughBut has Michael Moore always been that fucking fat? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.

[PuNk and Stuff @PunKandStuff]

Here's Debbie..... http://t.co/fwEckwW4mr

[Mr. Onederful® @ericonederful]

#InMyHorrorMovie the black guy dies at the beginning and the end. That's right. Two black guys in one horror movie. Next level shit.

[duck @ducksthoughts]

Guy Fieri is an Oakland Raiders fan and there's nothing other Raider fans can do about it. Lol

[SNGJ @uccjeb]

I'm at my most suicidal when my child is trying to decide which 25 cent plastic toy to get with the $357 worth of tickets he just "won"

[جسار العمري @Jassar_80]

Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes - unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.

[جسار العمري @Jassar_80]

I've been working all day on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers and I still have nothing to chauffeur it.
(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[duck @ducksthoughts]

What should my wife do about my premature ejaculation? #AskHillary

[duck @ducksthoughts]

@DorianStaten I wore my denim kilt