emily sheehan

i'll cc you in hell.

[emily sheehan @eksheehan]

the meaning of christmas is being 4 shazams deep at your parents’ house and forced to face the fact that you love steely dan, you’ve always loved steely dan

[emily sheehan @eksheehan]

The king of brand safe nothingness, by @broderick https://t.co/6xCPb05XX4

[hunter @hunter_hhhh]

"pronouns are confusing" what the fuck is football. genuinely what the fuck is going on in football. i am 23 years old and i have never once in my life grasped what the fuck is going on in football.

[lake micah @afrofatalism]

we need a word for when clothes you rely on to feel stylish or whatever suddenly lose their power, so that when you wear them again you feel as if a disgraced aristocrat now made to work the bazaar fruit or fish stand, in what he hopes is quiet anonymity and not recognizable ruin

[Christopher Hooks @cd_hooks]

we need to bring back trickster gods. monotheism is ok as far as it goes but it would be a lot better if it was mono and a half theism and the half was a little guy with a flute who steals stuff

[lili michelle لیلی @lilsmichelle]

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

[emily sheehan @eksheehan]

@mrmcfresh84 @Annie_Wu_22 @deray scream. silent scream at work scream

[pj @pjayevans]

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

[Cam @harleybaghdad]

(Making small talk with new coworker) So what kind of creatures are you into

[Listen to my new show TS TV ‼️ @lily_lxndr]

the worst TV trend of the past decade: when you can tell a line was written specifically to be screenshotted and circulated on social media

[cam(ille chong)! 🐍 瑷薇 add LOVE GODS SINNERS ON GR @camiscribbles]

you can tell someone grew up reading because they know many words and they pronounce them all wrong

[trash jones @jzux]

(crying softly) fuck it we bawl

[Travis Amiel @heytravistravis]

mom, can you pick me up? my bit didn’t land

[emily sheehan @eksheehan]

@mrmcfresh84 do you think lela and otis want to visit the south of france with us y/n

[emily sheehan @eksheehan]

Dudes Are ‘Waking Up’ and Scrambling for Vasectomies Post-Roe https://t.co/lp9p9SxX01 via @vicenews

[Sho @Shoyoumomo_]

having someone sing happy birthday to you is just a unskippable cutscene irl

[huffy @sulkingtime]

a friend who used to work at medieval times has confirmed to me what we’ve all always hoped and known deep in our hearts to be true: absolutely everyone working there is constantly fuckin and suckin each other

[LN @abernothing]

staying out of my own business for a bit. I don’t need to know all that

[George Christanza @GeorgeChristanz]

i do be texting back with a lot of "hahaha"'s for someone who's having a hahahard time