anyaraem

no

[Kyle @kylecuedoves]

Now hiring someone to take my phone and smother me with chloroform every night at 10pm so I can be a far healthier and productive member of society.

[PixieDustNo.5 @DustNo5]

There is something extra special about hotel sex.

[Dadding Around @DaddingAround]

I make jokes when I'm happy.

I also make jokes to hide when I'm sad.

Basically I'm a nightmare to be around 100% of the time.

[Linda @turtledumplin]

What base is it when he won’t take a shower with you?

[Buzz Lightbeer @BuzzLightBeer01]

I just tried recreating the spaghetti eating scene from Lady and the Tramp. Unfortunately, my dog ruined it by falling off his chair.

[wickedsuga @wickedsuga]

Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.

[anyaraem @getdome]

the pilgrims were murderers and turkey tastes like napkins

[anyaraem @getdome]

they always ask what are you drinking but not why are you drinking ~.~

[Whatever_Amy @Whatevah_Amy]

Oh good. I have allergies all year round now.

[Whatever_Amy @Whatevah_Amy]

I often leave the house with the liquid eyeliner equivalent of “fuck it, send”.

[Bat Shit Crazy @BatBatshitcrazy]

I was super sad tonight, but then I ate an entire loaf of garlic bread.

[Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard]

When I was a kid, I used to drink from a hose. So I guess what I'm saying is not much has changed.

[Rads @_radsy]

which Pokémon do you think has the worst depression

[Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet]

Our 3yo sat on the baby
So I HOLLERED

He played with my crutches
So I SNAPPED

He escaped during bath time
So I SCREAMED

I overreacted EVERY time

Yet at bedtime he snuggled...

Right

on

ME.

I don’t deserve the love and trust he shows me.

But I am DAMN grateful.

[wickedsuga @wickedsuga]

I think if you find a fork in the road, you should look around for some pancakes.