Ray Veoli

how tough are ya?

[Ray Veoli @guylermer]

Call me Junie the way I B. Jonesin for a cigarette

[cigarette @yolotruther]

oh here comes the mysterious $2.11 apple bill on my credit card

[John Halo @EpicMasterChief]

I do all my grocery shopping at chuck e cheese and and nerd ropes have gone up 300 tickets this year alone

[Jordanreviewsittt @jordanreviewsit]

First day on the job and the CEO already trusts me to go get apple gift cards for him

[Stephen A Smith @stephenasmith]

The Stephen A. Smith Show on 710 ESPN LA comes on 9-11 pm Tonight. We will NOT discuss Kobe Bryant. We will, however, discuss the homosexual

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

High school kids in Ohio, in the early 2000s were given this for lunch and later in the evening they had to guard LeBron James in basketball.

[Dame Margera @damienfarronMMA]

found a gem

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Too late

[Mark @AgingRanchHand]

My buddy who's a firefighter: I've been having a really hard time at work lately

Me (picturing him at the end of a hose that's spraying too strongly and he's flying all over the place and can't get down): that's hilarious

[Mr PitBull Stories @MrPitbull07]

Nobody could figure out why the abandoned Hendricks apple orchard suddenly bloomed in April 2019. The trees hadn't produced fruit in eleven years. County agriculture office sent two inspectors. They found sixty thousand honeybees working the property - a massive colony that had escaped from Tomás Vega's apiary three miles south. Tomás had reported the swarm missing in March. He expected them dead. Instead they'd colonized the hollow barn on the Hendricks lot and cross-pollinated every surviving tree. That October, the orchard produced twenty-two tons of Cortland apples. The Hendricks family offered Tomás a permanent lease. He moved his entire operation there the following spring.

[aysia @vrycuul]

throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back forklift certified

[Jared “Ghost Dog” Denney @PlayaJared]

Googling "basketball moves to make black guys say, ‘ok i see you Wonder Bread’” before my pickup game

[Resko★ @Bloke_Baz]

One thing about 3pm is that it is the end of the day.

[skooks @skooookum]

You missed your 2-week window to wear your Cool Little Spring Jacket because you were too lazy to pull a fit off. Third year in a row. How does that feel?

[GLP-Diddy @mattytalks]

Please Trump, unblock the strait of Hormel, I need that god damn chili

[Old Man Rattle @oldrattle_]

casper the friendly ghost just went demon mode on my abuelita

[Rob Gucci @heatdaddy69420]

Yeah I was just talking to the president

[Lamar Jackson @Lj_era8]

Why the buddy pregnant?

[Andy Milonakis @andymilonakis]

@BenStiller Pussy poppin on a handstand