Saucy

i've fallen and i can't giddy up 💅 gud

[Saucy @hamersauce]

owning a dog is cool. it’s like having a shitty little wolf that cannot do magic

[Saucy @hamersauce]

FIRsT TIME SKY-DIVING WISH ME LUK!

[Saucy @hamersauce]

boss: can you pick up this important new task?
me: *daydreaming about a sausage dog in a breakfast cape* mmm. sorry, yes, huh, wat?

[JC Tarp @jctwritesstuff]

If by Netflix and chill you mean True Romance and fuck shit up then yeah, I'm down.

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Bartender: sorry bud, I need to cut you off at three drinks.
Hydra: *now has six drinks*

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

A corn maze is super easy if your goal is to see as much corn as possible before they have to rescue you.

[Saucy @hamersauce]

the lump in my chemise is a crunch wrap supreme stowed away for later

[JC Tarp @jctwritesstuff]

[First Date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I own a bakery.
Me: [trying to impress] *crawls on table, whips hair around, scream-sings Warrant's Cherry Pie*

[Saucy @hamersauce]

[basement archives]
supervisor: wow time really files
time: i’m gonna be a pilot someday

[Ricki Clearly Specified Tarr @ShootyDoody]

I wish I was trash, so people would take me out more often.

[handsome handsock @handsock_butts]

WIFE: why do you always make a bad first impression?

ME: my grandfather died from first impression

WIFE: he died during the GREAT DEPRESSION

ME: *shrugs* tomato, potato

[Otter (Gnome de Plume) @DinosaurBoogers]

An early bird is worth two in the bush, but the squeaky mouse gets the cheese.

[Rad Wizzy @RadWizzy]

*walks into a vow-of-silence monastery wearing a furry costume*

Hey guys! I'm a "chip" monk!

*gets yelled at*

[tazz @noneofyours99]

When her boobs are big and sag and the nipples poke out below her belly button because she refuses to wear a bra

Is the reason I refused to be seen in public with my mother

[Saucy @hamersauce]

right before he died in an auto wreck my father whispered in my ear " a stop sign is a guideline "

[dont test me ill shrink u @vangobot]

you go for a fist bump and I lightly brush my knuckles against yours and just like.. let it linger a lil bit lol

[TuSoon Shakur @TuSoonShakur]

It’s like my old Pappy used to say: More Twitter cliques, more Twitter clicks.

[Dingdong @vaglaser]

"Nice staff" I told the naked wizard. "It's a wand" he explained. He didn't get my joke.