Semiautomagic Sloth

I'm a human sloth & I have weird thoughts but not psychotic thoughts they're normal for an anthropomorphic sloth | header by @upsidedowntrash

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don't even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@upsidedowntrash NOOOOO THIS CANNOT BE! THE SLOTH IS UNCATCHABLE!!

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@upsidedowntrash I CAN'T BE CAUGHT

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@upsidedowntrash what... what have you done?

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@EdgarAllanLo oh man, and then you've got mirrors... Some serious sorcery going on there imho

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@trojansauce I am imagining it and I like it. This is canon now.

[butt sword @buttsword]

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@EdgarAllanLo I am a hot dog. Also eerily accurate...

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@upsidedowntrash I'm busting u

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@upsidedowntrash *gasp!* I am going to tell ur mom lol u are so busted

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@iamspacegirl @dlicj meanwhile, he's talking abt how it takes SO many ppl backstage to make a trick look real… kind of ruined the wonder tbh

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@trojansauce merry Christmas, Torm!! ilu ❤️

[Johnny Normality (Even More Still Spooky Mode) @Probgoblin]

When bae catches you replacing your intestines with tinsel because the true meaning of Christmas is now inside you all along.

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@dlicj I saw criss angel. He suspended himself over the audience & the trick went bad, & he just hung there while the first 2 rows evacuated

[pensive calypso music @pharmasean]

"Dont" they told me, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
"Don't play that drum in here," pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
"We're fuckin sleeping here," pa-rum-pum-pum-pum

[The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble]

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

@WheelTod cool idea!! Here are two of mine :)
https://t.co/3HHeow6n71
https://t.co/1mC9bmn0AV

[Semiautomagic Sloth @iliezabeth]

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

If I'm guilty of anything it's only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

I can't afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

Milestone explanation/instructions:
@wheeltod
https://t.co/D7KT520PW8