uplate

comedian/creative/financially destroyed human. Late-Night Host. please don’t let this be an Alzheimer’s dream. Hullo?™️

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

I start my mornings off on Twitter bc I hate myself.

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

Self harm, but it’s me gassing myself up and immediately feeling sorry for you hoes

[kristen @kristendichiara]

spotted in downtown Las Vegas

[Gritty @GrittyNHL]

10K retweets and i’ll wear this to oppenheimer

[Chris Estrada: Oct 22-24 Sacramento, CA @ChrisEstrada85]

I feel bad for good looking people because nobody feels bad for them. We don’t acknowledge their suffering. One time my friend whose a hard nine told me he’s never gotten over his dad’s suicide and I yelled “Poor you. Shut the fuck up you handsome idiot!”

[fooler initiative @metroadlib]

then he was like, "you got this subpoena on may 11. i'm coming through on the first of the month to run through that WHOLE SHIT...and i'ma make SURE *NOTHING* that belongs to THESE UNITED ASS STATES is in that garish monstrosity you pretend is a house."

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

Boston Dynamics robots are here to steal mannequin jobs

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

@stoolpresidente The brothers bloom

[Brian Simpson @bscomedian]

Succession aint hittin' like it was during the pandemic. I don't think it's the show getting worse. I'ts just the culture has shifted. The 'rich whites being bad' drama has exhausted people.

[Titi Lee @teresaleebot]

my boyfriend and i just discovered that we were both at griffith observatory for the solar eclipse on august 21, 2017 three years before we actually met, and we took similar photos- but neither of us are in each others... (1/2)

[Simpsons Quotes @Simpsons_tweets]

Best Episode Ever - Final Four

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

Shut the fuck up. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

[Kinsella 🇺🇸🇺🇦 ⚾️ 🏈 ⚽️🐾 @Kinsella_Finn]

@mannyfidel Gifting This because people need to read it

https://t.co/CLQy08Uy6b

[AP Oddities @AP_Oddities]

The lawyer for a 29-year-old woman accused of using false documents to enroll as a New Jersey high school student says she did so because she was lonely. https://t.co/2DcPaXdtv4

[UberFacts @UberFacts]

The IRS has a plan to collect taxes in the event of a nuclear war

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

Lol it turns out Silicon Valley is just a bunch of Jake Paul’s

[Cory Doctorow NO LONGER ON TWIT TER @doctorow]

As tech reaches terminal #enshittification, so hollowed that they're barely able to keep end-users or business customers locked in, capital's running the final #rugpull, where all value is transfered from those who make things for a living to those who own things for a living. 1/

[UrinatingTree @UrinatingTree]

THE BRETT FAVRE CHECKLIST

[X] Become star with Packers
[X] Win Super Bowl
[X] Keep choking in the playoffs
[X] Hold team hostage
[X] Team drafts replacement

AARON RODGERS IS HERE

[] Be traded to Jets
[] Be traded to Vikings in 1 year
[] Retire
[] Steal money from the poor

[Balloonski @balloonski]

@RollingLoud LA recap is insane!! Shout out @berkvisual and @jasonisuplate for the shots and edit
@MonsterEnergy @MonsterMusic

[Cam Heartless @camharless]

every american president, but they're all cool and they all sport a mullet

46. Joe Biden

[Ricardo Nuila @riconuila]

HERE'S WHAT THE HOSPITAL DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW: That's not a bill they sent you, it's a suggestion. Hey there, twitter, I'm a doctor & author whose work focuses on healthcare and hospitals, and if you follow these 6 basic rules you will save a fortune on your hospital bill 👇

[uplate @jasonisuplate]

This halftime show brought to you by the Senate Chambers in StarWars