jj hartinger

A Girl Named Sam, A Boy Named Bill, A Dog Named Lou.

[jj hartinger @jjhartinger]

I'm pretty sure if Bond were a woman the whole movie would be her mother saying how tired & unmarried she looked.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I accidentally listened to a whole Billy Joel song someone get me to the hospital

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

We're the band on the Titanic, aren't we?

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

If you're getting married, be sure to say "adieu" instead of "I do." It sounds close enough that you'll get away with it, and it gives you an out later.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I used to go out and do things and now i have favorite scissors

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I wouldn't want to be famous inagine having to get dressed up to go to an awards ceremony on a Tuesday

[jj hartinger @jjhartinger]

@Parkerlawyer I miss joke twitter

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

Can someone point me in the direction of joke Twitter? I seem to have lost my way and it is s c a r y out here.

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

In a world of Karen’s, be a Rachel

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

You know whats weird. Fat mailmen

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I'll stay here until it's just me and Elon. Then I'll block him.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

[jj hartinger @jjhartinger]

@MomOnFire Happy birthday!!

[Her Tall Boots @fuzzlime]

I can't grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Never trust a banker with a pinky ring.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Today, during my daughter’s piano recital, the music teacher’s parrot repeatedly screamed, “We’re all gonna die!” Afterward, refreshments were served.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

I don’t care if she’s the hottest chick that ever lived, once I see that mean streak, it’s a meh from me.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

I could tell you the easiest way to childproof a home, but you wouldn’t like it.

[Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins]

When my wife comes home, she loves it when the dog runs up to her, jumps up and licks her face, but when I do it, "it's weird." Whatever.

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she's all like, 'I'll never let go' and then she lets go.