Dogsworth

you know that dog that died in space? that's me, and I'm back for revenge baby.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Sex is cool and all, but have you ever taken a test on a scantron?

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

“Stan I tell you there is very obviously a chameleon on your favorite duvet”. Yet Stan remains an ignorant fool. I turn back to reprimand him for his inferior intellect but Stan has chameleonized himself into a Williams-Sonoma pressure cooker.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

It’s the dead of night in the Smithsonian and to steal the dinosaur key chain that I so desperately desire I have climbed into the Neanderthal exhibit in humble nudity. The night guard is doing unspeakable things in front of me. Key chain give me strength.

[Mathanæus Frogg @realfrogg]

ATTENTION: christmas is officially canceled this year. my private team of fbi investigators have just discovered i have been marked to recieve one-ply toilet paper on santa's naughty list. christmas is over you power hungry motherfucker, suck my beautiful and non-chaffed ass.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Last year I made a deal with Lucifer himself (aka Beelzebub) to get these characters that you see before you today. You may be asking "Dogsworth, what did you give on your end of the deal?" I gave my arsehole. That's right, I can no longer poop. Satan is a cruel mistress my frien

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

@RatstoMen You dastardly rat. This is the last time you will get away with the unconventional AAAB rhyme scheme. Mark my words. You will be stopped.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

I find drinking 1L of vinegar a day equivalent to stuffing my arse full of C4. In other news, I now have above average punctuation skills.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

I have taught my dog, Bark Kent, to file my taxes with 100% precision. However, he still bites my nutsack 10 times daily. Can't win 'em all.

[Mathanæus Frogg @realfrogg]

last friday went to the bar with some candy in hand. ended up in the bathroom after a couple of drinks choking on some nerds. not the candy.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Beaten & bloodied on the ground of a Walmart, the employee smashing me with a pool noodle screams for backup from coworker wielding a BB gun

[A Rainbow Rat @RatstoMen]

I yam what I am" I repeat this mantra to myself after 1,000 daily pushups. #1 in the yam market since I offed the old CEO with my Iron fists

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Most beautiful cat in the world, Cat Mofford, filed several sexual harassment claims after attending a furry convention. Makes me sick.

[Mathanæus Frogg @realfrogg]

nailed a picture of russell crow to my door so every day i can wake up and say "early bird gets the worm" as he gazes upon my morning wood.

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

2 Sunny Ds and an Advil later I regain consciousness to find I am participating in a drag queen competition wearing only silly bands

[wint @dril]

too many movies about rats

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Floating in space, trapped in ice. Happy to say that the test run for Papua New Guinea's new space program was an overwhelming success.

[Mathanæus Frogg @realfrogg]

making sure i kick the summer off right i had an 18 wheeler keelhaul me up and down drury lane for 17 hours straight giving me severe autism

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

@King_Magic_Man Idk if you can tell by my profile pic, but I'm jacked & gains are my bread and butter. Turns out anime is an essential food group! #whoknew

[Dogsworth @notdogsworth]

Barter, swap, trade - Willing to trade my most potent magic potions for a copy of "3 Stooges: Blast to the Backside" on film reel.

[Mathanæus Frogg @realfrogg]

wooden stake driven straight into my heart when a beginner vampire hunter was duped by dracula himself. "i'm not a vampire, but that guy is"